Thursday, July 30, 2015

So, About My Lupus

OK, so I don't have lupus.  I was so focused on the last cycle, I just let all this go.  But looking this stuff up, it's more serious than I thought.    My bloodwork does have all three beta-2 glycoproteins with waaay solid positives and lupus anticoagulant.  Doing a little wikipedia diagnosing, I am a hair away from diagnosis with antiphospholipid syndrome (APS) aka Hughes's Syndrome in the UK (helpful video here).  I need one more test in a few weeks because my tests aren't far enough apart, and I guess my "gynecological event" was a couple weeks early to meet the diagnostic criteria.  Yea, that event.

This is sounding scary.  Late miscarriages, early babies, bleeding out, and a strokeHome birth is out.  I guess hormonal birth control is out too.  I guess maybe I have a life of autoimmune flares and pain to look forward to?

It's pretty clear I need to get some ducks in a row.  I need a high risk OB, MFM.  I called my friend who almost lost her baby to an incompetent cervix and called her doctor.  I hope they let me in.  I also need a nephrologist, maybe the rest of my life.  I could be on blood thinners and in pain the rest of my life.  I at least have enough information to get more testing.  And I need some advice about the twin risks, given what I know now.

Now I'm freaked out about going back on birth control pills for my FET.  I have to decide tomorrow (Day #2).  If I don't start birth control tomorrow, it would be at least six weeks after my next period for the FET, two weeks of birth control, four weeks of lining.  That's the end of October for my transfer, at the earliest.  By then my SIL Hermione will be giving birth.  On my due date.

And then I start crying.  It's not fair.  I don't want to do any of this.  I didn't want it to be FIVE YEARS LATER until I would get my baby and this much pain and money and suffering.  And everyone else just pops out a baby, no biggie.  After losing a heartbeat, I thought surely it couldn't get any worse, but somehow it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse.

I can't handle any more surprises.  I can't handle any more fucking bad news.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Fighting the Insurance Company: Part 2

My insurance plan is an Obamacare plan bought on  It says infertility is covered "No charge after deductible."  They had preapproved my IVF months before, and confirmed with the doctor.  And then they denied it.  Days before surgery, of course.

I finally got the official paperwork in the mail, and they claim infertility is not a covered benefit.  Yet IVF has a whole benefit section with a bunch of hoops I've been jumping through since January.

My friend G helped me (hi G!) and we made a badass appeal.  The medical part is easy when you blew a tube.  The rest is regulations and rules.  My goal for that appeal was that someone will look at it and send it straight to legal.

Also, I'm allowed to ask for documents, practically anything in this state.  So I requested documents, a lot of documents.  It's going to take someone a week to get all those documents together.

With all the pain and struggle of the last week from that brutal retrieval, my muscles are still sore, it felt GOOD to focus my anger in something I guess I can call productive.  It felt good to send that little response out certified mail.

No way is this over.  If the insurance company wants to fight, they picked the wrong one, with the most clear medical history possible.  And now I'm angry.  False advertising, state insurance regulations, Obamacare regs, I'll fight in every arena I have.  I will be such a pain it will be easier to pay to make me go away, I can tell you that already.

Monday, July 27, 2015

And The Worst Is Passed

Warning:  TMI and kind of gross, involving toilet stuff after IVF.

As all IVF sisters know, the digestive issues after retrieval, especially with a ton of eggs, are BRUTAL.  Your bladder and bowels are all in there, there's no room for any of it, and your ovaries are like raw nerves where those eggs used to be.  Combined with anesthesia effects on digestion and the crap, high salt diet you are supposed to follow, it's all completely fubar.

I thought I had this under control with some judicious use of Colace and prune juice, but then, and I swear I am not kidding, I think I got food poisoning.  OMG.  So suddenly everything is haywire, and I don't know if I should keep hydrating, eat salt?  What is happening?  Is the food poisoning doing enough to pull fluid out of my ovaries.

I was getting hot and cold sweats, in so much pain I knew painkillers would do nothing.  I was one more hour long time on the pot away from going to the ER.  And I swore I would not go to the ER.

And then it snapped, instantly.  I could breathe.  I felt kinda normal except all the swelling, but it wasn't painful anymore.  I went to a yoga class this morning for old ladies, and it was just perfect.  Just what I needed.  I think this ship has been righted, and now I can focus on my new hobby: the insurance company.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Uncertain 3d After Transfer

It's Friday night, three days after retrieval.  Nobody bothered to call me.  I guess the embryos are still mostly alive, I hope?  I guess I'm not doing a Day 3 transfer?  If I'm doing a Day 5, maybe they'll call then?  Not like this is important or anything.  Well, hope all but two didn't die.  Have a fun weekend!

I'm still really, super sore.  I can't really bend over or fold in any manner.  My belly is still WAY swollen in a particular way that just looks pregnant, and it hurts.  I couldn't even wear two different pairs of yoga pants because they were digging in too much.  Yoga pants!

I got the rejection letter from the insurance company and channeled my rage and pain into a superbitchy letter that I think was pretty effective.  I pulled all my regs and policies and records.  Obviously, I'll look at this when I'm not on hydrocodone and wine, but I think I have a shot.  After all, the plan advertises that it covers infertility!  How can you both cover infertility and also exclude all infertility treatment?  WTF.  Why would have all these checklists about how to qualify for IVF if IVF is never covered?  Ridiculous.  I need more wine.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Feeling Better Day After Retrieval

22 eggs, 20 mature, 17 fertilized and made it through the night.  That's better than last time!  That means we are on plan for CSS genetic testing and freeze all.

I can breathe again, so crisis is averted.  I can still feel the fluid in my abdomen, like a really uncomfortable swelling that makes me look pregnant, but my ankles look normal and I can breathe.  Hooray!  It will be a while until that swelling goes down, and I can wear pants with buttons.

I guess my emergency measures worked.  I drank 6 liters of Gatorade.  (The Latin flavors weren't stocked anywhere, boo, so I ended up with red, yellow, dark blue and light blue.  Light blue is awful FYI.)  I ate four huge packs of sunflower seeds, buffalo ranch flavor, the best.  I don't eat crap like this usually, but of course if you want a baby you eat crap and don't work out, that totally makes sense.  I drank an organic protein shake, but threw most of it up.  I even took some Lovenox after reading scary shit about clots and OHSS

Thank god for hydrocodone.  I only took four pills yesterday, and today I've got nowhere to be, so I'm going to take some more pain pills and try to do some work slowly and badly.  I'll need to go back and check those emails LOL.  Also, watch some real housewives I saved for post-surgery recovery, but I was in too much pain yesterday to even watch TV.

I signed up for a slow flow yoga class on Friday.  I will see if I am feeling up to that.  My goal for this gap, while the babies are in the freezer, is to work out.  I don't have any excuses.  I need to be in the best shape of my life.  Working out two hours a day was doing wonders for my body and my mind, and I have a month or so to keep that up, once I feel like my body can handle it.  I need to get my yoga on point so I'm ready for pregnancy yoga, and I just need to get my body together.  Did I mention I'm a huge fan of Classpass?  For now, I'm listening to my body.  Maybe tomorrow my body will want some wine.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Pull Up Painfully to Retrieve It

Dear lawd, my second IVF retrieval was WAAAAAY more painful than the first.  At the scan two days ago, the doctor said it was because of how my left ovary is wedged low next to my uterus?  Uh, ok, doc.  I was like a frazzled raw nerve of pain last night.  I couldn't move.  I could barely make it up the stairs to the bedroom.  I was actually looking forward to the surgery because it might take away the pain.  HA.

When I came to, it felt like my abdomen was split open.  And I puked my guts out, which makes me three for three in the recovery room.  I had asked for the post-op instructions before surgery, but nope.  I got them hunched over a trashcan in a fetal position.  Even then I knew they were wrong.  Sperm donor had no idea what was happening, like usual.  I have been through a diverse rainbow of gynecological pain, and this was the worst.  THIS IS A FREEZE ALL.  Do you people not read the charts?  Keep your progesterone.  I need PAINKILLERS.  They were $30 out of pocket.  Thanks, insurance.

And then I was thinking how colossally unfair this is.  This isn't how I wanted any of this to go.  This isn't how I wanted my baby to be made.  With my sperm donor looking at some gross porn at 7AM, me puking my guts out.  With much needed painkillers.  Not being able to sit up.  And we will probably be out five figures at the end of this anyway.  In a fucking stirrup surgery chair with seven people in the room.  I didn't need a honeymoon in Paris, but god our bed sounded nice.

The anaethesiologist looked just like Dr. McStuffins.   I didn't think that hair was even possible on an adult human.  I would have laughed, but I just didn't care, and it seemed kind of rude to comment on it.  Oh, and I was in so much pain, I didn't care.  It took like five tries to get the IV in my hand, didn't care.  In the meantime, they did some, uh, washing down there.  Like 2 liters of water worth, really getting in those folds.  Where was the water going?  That was weird.  Sorry my laser hair removal was reversed last cycle.  They put some stickers on my chest.  How did they even get to my chest?  I think I was supposed to be out.  And then cold lube and a speculum and then I was gone.

They didn't tell me how many eggs or anything, guess there's nothing I can do about it anyway.  Last time was 29 eggs, and this time doesn't seem any different, except the PAIN.  Maybe they'll call tomorrow.  Not like this is a big deal or anything.

Now, I have some new symptoms.  My shoulders hurt like a mother.  Not like laproscopic hurt, like throbbing.  I can't breathe.  I can't pee.  My ribcage feels tight like I can't breathe all the way in.  And now, I think I am showing signs of the dreaded OHSS.  So here I am drinking Gatorade.  Protein shakes.  Lots of fluids.  I'm done with doctors, I'm done with this.  No way I'm going to the hospital unless I have no choice.

And that brings me full circle to the beauty of the freeze all.  I almost wish I'd done this in the first place.  I chose to beat my body up this badly (again).  But there's no reason I have to also get pregnant in this sad state.  A freeze all takes so much pressure off.  For now, I'm just hoping to pee again.  More Gatorade, please.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Stim Day #8

God, I'm in pain.  I forgot how bad this feels.  Seriously, whose idea was this?

My poor ovaries are way enlarged, like over 20 eggs again large.  They feel swollen and raw, like exposed nerves.  Like when I move, I risk an electric feeling shooting pain that takes me down immediately.  And they've enlisted my lower back too, so that feels like the worst kind of period cramps all the time.

When my sperm donor stumbled in drunk at 4AM, I couldn't get back to sleep at all.  I was just thinking about how much pain this is.  It just radiated electric pain and dull throbbing pain, sometimes both.

Ovaries this swollen feeling is like wearing shoes two sizes too small.  Maybe if you stay still you don't actively notice, but if you move, it gets even worse.  And it feels like there is a clear solution, TAKE OFF THE SHOES.   MUST TAKE OFF THE SHOES.  But that will take a few days, and I know it gets worse before it gets better.  And this feels worse.  It feels unnatural, dangerous even.  It feels off balance.  It stings with electric, raw nerve pain.  It doesn't feel right.

I accidentally threw away my vial of Lupron yesterday, so I got to dig through a bag of kitchen trash this morning.  Thankfully it wasn't trash day.  Doubled over in pain, going through gross stuff, I was crying again.  This is when you know you are a mother, when you will do anything for this baby (well embryos #10 - #?) including fold your stupidly painful ovaries digging though old yogurt and leftover chinese.  I need a nap.

Friday, July 17, 2015

FREEZE ALL Stim Day #7

This morning I went in for a scan.  It wasn't my doctor, so when she was probing me and telling me about my lining, I told her it was a freeze all so that didn't matter so much.  What a difference.  Obviously, for genetic testing, it has to be a freeze all, but I hadn't thought about what that meant to me.

This time last IVF cycle, I was a damn mess.  I had been madly googling scary stories about OHSS and pregnancy.  Don't do that before your IVF, please.  This exact scan was much scarier.  This time, I feel pretty chill about it.  Aside from the occasional insane thoughts that this medicine keeps putting in my head, I feel pretty calm now.  If shit goes left, they can give me real drugs.

There are a couple differences this time.  I know what is happening.  I'm not scared of needles.  I know what is about to happen.  I have tried to make myself feel like I am doing something by buying gatorade and following the rules.  I believe I will get eggs.  I believe they will do something.  And then they will all die one way or another, but I am kind of at peace with that too.

The FREEZE ALL is a big difference.  I am clearly in no emotional state to be impregnated next week.  Biopsies take a few weeks, gearing up for FET takes a month or two?  Anyway, nothing is going to happen next week that I can control.  The babies are just going to the freezer.  This feels like a lot less pressure.  It makes me wonder if I had said I wanted to freeze all last time if maybe the results would have been better?

Surgery on Tuesday for now.  Soon.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Day #5 Stims

It's only afternoon and I am so over this day.

This morning, my sperm donor was giving me another awful Lovenox shot, and I asked him if he would do this to have a baby and he said no.  He said he would just give up.  Oh, and this is the last time you're doing this too, as if that was a decision made by him at 8AM mid-Lovenox.  Great.  He doesn't give a shit, he will be a terrible dad.  He isn't willing to do anything for our twins!

Then I slowed down.  I am not handling issues like that today.  I am only handling today's issues.  I am not picking a fight with my husband about a theoretical IVF cycle that he is refusing to do.  When it is time for him to do an IVF cycle, we will then address this issue LOL.  It is not productive to think like this and start a fight.  For today, I need to take my Lovenox shot and see the genetic counselor.

The genetic counselor was such a waste.  I waited OVER AN HOUR which pissed me off because I had to cancel a meeting.  I guess I was spoiled by my RE, who is always on time.  When I finally got in there, it was a RN straight out of college who was giving me a 7th grade chromosome lesson.  I haven't taken a science class since 2002, and I knew more than her about CCS.  I was trying not to roll my eyes.  Also, I really could have lived without all the pity for my sad, sad reproductive history which made me choke back tears which pissed me off even more.  It must be really hard on you.  Gee thanks.

Physically, I feel really uncomfortable.  Now that my meetings are done, it's all yoga pants.  Probably will be for at least a week.  My poor stomach is covered in bruises and keeps swelling up.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Day #4 Stims

Good lawd, can it only be Day #4?  I'm dying here.  I am SO TIRED.  I just hit the wall and took a nap today, I didn't get any of the work done I was supposed to.

My back hurt, and my neck was cramping up.  I went to my massage guy, and it was the best massage I have ever had in my whole life.  It was like all the muscles in my back had tensed up weird like I slept on my whole body wrong.  It was THE BEST.

Driving, I could feel every little bump.  It's been a while since I felt that.  My poor ovaries are clearly doing something, and I can feel them gurgling.  They're doing something to my lower back, almost like period cramps that radiate.  Ugh.

My poor stomach is a Lovenox battleground.  I have spotted bruises all over and hard places from all of these shots.  I'm on four a day now, Lovenox, Lupron, Gonal F, and Menopur.  I've stayed hydrated.  No alcohol.  I am a model patient.

I've gotten better at actively blocking thoughts.  I am not going to beat myself up today.  I am not going to worry about the next steps today.  I am not thinking about the risks of twins today.  I am not thinking about the cost and the fucked up insurance.  I am not thinking about IVF divorces today.  Most importantly, I am not beating myself up for being in this position.  Not today.  For today, just get through today.  And if that means take a nap and get a massage, then do what you have to do, girl.  The to do list will still be there.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Stim Day #3

It's stim day #3.  I am so TIRED.  I have no idea how I worked out on these meds!  I slept 12 hours and I still feel so tired.  My lower back is hurting.  That's a new one.  Last time, retrieval was on Stim Day #10, so this won't be long now.

I have to meet with the genetic counselor Wednesday, and I'm still not sure why or what we will discuss as all tests have always come back normal.  When I went to India, I had to go to a special travel immunization place, and they totally freaked me out about all these weird diseases that are rare and I can't do anything about.  I really hope this is not like that.  I am not in a good mental place right now to be freaked out about more shit I can't control.

The RE office is such a fascinating place.  It's women of all shapes, sizes, colors, ages.  And all totally quiet and freaked out.  Going through the same journey and yet pretending like we can't see one another.  I can always feel the nervous energy in the waiting room, sometimes the sadness.

Lovenox is awful.   It has this giant thick needle to put in the huge amount gel.  It's like injecting a jello shot through a straw.  It HURTS and it bruises.  I am grateful for a Lovenox side effect that seems to have counteracted the IVF meds, diarrhea, also a new one.  Last time, I couldn't #2 without wringing out my poor ovaries and screaming in pain.  I am also not really sure why I am on Lovenox.  But I'll try anything, including covering my belly with giant bruises.  Good thing my belly is so swollen I have plenty of fat to inject.

I need to get my IVF retrieval provisions.  This time I will be better prepared.  I'll have to go to Wal-Mart, the only place that stocks the good Gatorade:

sunflower seeds, buffalo ranch flavor (the best!)
Gatorade Sabores de Mi Tierra, all flavors
protein shakes, going to try some new stuff this time
Colace stool softener
prune juice
other juices

Just one day at a time for now.   Just today, for today.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Stims GO! Day #1

It's Day #1 of Stims!

I cut my ridiculous workout regime.  I'm not even going to yoga.  All my energy is going towards the stimming.  Definitely not trying boot camp on Day #3 of stims.  That was a terrible idea.  I can already feel my mind spinning, I might go crazy.  Working out was the only productive way I had to deal with all of this stress

Lovenox gave me a crazy bruise, like worse than this one.  It was really that bad.  It's just so much liquid gel stuff.  God, Lovenox is bad.  It hurts and it hurts even more the next day.  It's worse than any IVF med I've ever taken.  Insurance didn't pay anything for it, and it was $143.10 out of pocket for 30 syringes.

My mind is spinning.  Sperm donor told me he knows two couples with IVF twins, and they are both divorced.  In fairness, one of them should have been divorced from day one, she was a total bitch.  Mind spinning.  Scared.  Surgery.  My to do list is very long and has lots of stuff I can accomplish while I need to entertain myself.  But I didn't do any of it.

I sat on the couch and watched My 600-Lb Life.  That show makes me feel like I got life under control, and I got my shit figured out.  Turns out it was an update episode and this woman had a baby with no heartbeat and went in for a D&C, and it all came back to me.  I could physically feel it on my chest.  I could feel that no heartbeat.  I could feel looking at the ceiling.  I could hear someone's fucking baby crying next door.  I could feel wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else.  Of course, even she actually got her goddamn baby in this episode. It's just me who loses time and time again.  I was crying again. I can't even watch ridiculous reality TV. I need to watch real housewives or something.  These meds are no joke.

I need to be mindful of what I am thinking and how I am treating people.  This is temporary, and it's not real. I just need to hang on, one foot in front of the other for now.  Just today, just for now.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

The Show Must Go On - Lovenox

The show must go on, and today was my suppression check with dildo cam.

1.  Do I get any decent drugs because this is a freeze all?  You can tell I have priorities.  No answer on this one yet.  I know what the result will be, no matter what his answer.

2.  Should we do the transfer in Denver?  No.  They only ship the biopsies, and never ship the embryos.  SO COOL.

3.  What's up with lupus test that is still positive and like three others?  I am now on Lovenox.  Uh.  OK.

So I picked up a ton of Lovenox.  I guess I get to be on this when/if I get pregnant too.  Yay.  Insurance didn't pay.  Maybe I'm under the deductible.  Maybe they don't cover it?  No idea.  It was $143.10 for 30 pre-filled syringes.  It's showing as over $300 on Walmart for 30?  Maybe insurance did pay something?  No idea.

I opened it up and it is made in Milan.  Ooh.  How glamorous.  So I had visions of sitting in the piazza smartly dressed eating some delicious bread, olive oil, pulpo.  And then I saw the shot.  Whoa.  That's a lot of weird gel stuff.  Oh god.  Right when I said I wasn't scared of needles and these shots wouldn't be a big deal.  Then I have to inject a shot glass worth of jello shot into my love handles.

And the blogs agreed.  Lovenox will be painful and bruisy and yuck.  Good news is, all three blogs I found with tips on Lovenox are now mothers!  So that's something.  Just think of Milan, right?

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

FML Insurance

I figured out why my meds weren't covered.  Nothing was covered.  Today, yes today, the insurance company made a final rejection of my IVF claim.

Turns out my policy both covers and excludes IVF.  AWESOME.  Seriously. FML.  Why have a billion hoops and shit if IVF is never covered?  And it says IVF is covered on!!!  I guess I just got a new hobby, the insurance company.  Now, I get to learn all about insurance appeals.  And I'm pissed now, so I pity anyone who is my new hobby.

It took about an hour to even figure out it was rejected.  I called back SEVEN TIMES until I got a good CS rep, Deandre.  Deandre is my man.  He actually figured out what was going on, understood what I was saying, and told me how to appeal it.  So, thanks Deandre.  You helped my day.

Don't get it twisted, it still sucked.

My sperm donor busted in my office to tell me something.  I was on hold, tears down my face.  I had my hair pulled up, mascara running.  I put Deandre on mute.  I told my sperm donor to leave me alone I could hardly speak.  Meanwhile, my sperm donor was on some big call, got an awesome new client.  Best news he's had in a couple years.

I told him my terrible news, and he didn't skip a beat.  It's just money.  Now, let's talk about my new client!  It's just money.

Feeling Good on Lupron

Today I woke up earlier than my sperm donor again.  I read the news of some celebrity having a baby via surrogate, and I started thinking we might have to do that.  The five babies in the freezer.  Is it even ethical to pay a woman to use her uterus like that?  And I found myself googling how much a surrogate costs and thinking of how we are going to pay for that and crying.  WHA.  Slow down.  Ain't nobody got time for that!  I had to get to early pilates!

Working out is the only thing that kept me sane last cycle, and it's the only thing keeping me sane this cycle.  Either Lupron really is an awesome doping drug, or I really have a lot of stress to burn because I have kicked ass and taken names in spin class, pilates, barre, even my weakest suit, yoga.  I'm terrible at yoga!  I really got my money's worth from my Classpass subscription.  I have been working out as much as I possibly can.

Downside is all exercise must stop with stims in a few days, learned that one the hard way last time.  I have a couple chill yoga classes planed the first couple days of stims, but I am not going to push that at all.  All energy during stims must go into stimming!

It's clear that I am not in a place emotionally to do a fresh transfer, and we need the genetic shit anyway, so this will be a freeze all to genetically test the babies in Denver.  I am kind of relieved and glad that I get to maybe have a more "normal" experience without all the stim nonsense combined with pregnancy.  And hopefully I get some good drugs so retrieval isn't as painful and maybe I can recover faster?  I guess we will see.

Freedom Fertility and my insurance aren't playing nicely, so I have to work that out.  I knew it was a question of time until the insurance was too good to be true.  But for today, I feel AWESOME.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Wildly Swinging on Lupron

I've been on Lupron a little over a week, and uh, I don't remember it feeling like this.

Yesterday, I woke up earlier than my sperm donor and I was achy and in pain and he was still asleep.  My thoughts went like this.  God, it hurts, and he is so lazy and always sleeping.  And he hasn't even asked if I'm in pain.  I always have to do everything, I gave myself all my shots this round.  I'm in this all alone, and I'm always bearing the brunt of everything.  I'm going to have to do everything for this baby WTF am I thinking?  My friend is pregnant, everyone has already had their babies, and it's too late for me.  Why did I wait so long?  I'm about to be 33 and we've been at this since we were 29.  I am so pathetic, and he is just sleeping.  And I started sobbing.  Like shaking crying and wailing because I was so angry or something.  Uh.  Yea.  Luckily he is a sound sleeper.

That is why I need to be so mindful of my thoughts on these drugs.  IT'S A TRICK.  It's not real.  Just one day at a time.  My poor hard working sperm donor who can't sleep in a day on his vacation LOL.   And he's been through a lot this year, so has our marriage.  It's just been a lot.  I need to be very mindful of my thoughts.  Just get through today.  Don't beat yourself up, not while on these drugs.

I went to an extremely difficult spin class this morning.  Lupron is a doping drug, remember.  I NAILED IT.  Wow.  Maybe it's all that frustration, or maybe not working out for three days on vacation, but that was awesome and suddenly I feel better.  I feel like I could work out again today, even.   I feel awesome!  Maybe that's what I got right last time, I kept up my workout schedule until stims.

So I packed my schedule with workouts until stims.  Me and Lupron can at least try to get something accomplished if it is going to make me crazy.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Feeling Weird On Lupron

I've been on Lupron  almost a week now, and I'm feeling it.  I still don't have the headaches 75 - 100% people get, so I'll take it.  What I do have this time is this all over achy muscle feeling.  One blogger said she felt like a hungover sloth.  I feel like I have the flu, like all over aches and no ability to control the temperature of my body.  My back aches, my wrist aches, it hurts.  My hips hurt.  Last time I went on an emergency run to a nail salon massage chair LOL.  I have no idea how people are on this drugs for months and months.

Oh and the naps.  I'm not a napper normally, but  the general fatigue never goes away.  Naps on Lupron naps are delightful and refreshing.

I've been cleared to exercise and Lupron is a doping drug, but I'm still traveling so I haven't made that work yet.  I am  trying that tomorrow.  We will see how that goes.  Maybe I'll have to abort that too.

The biggest change this cycle is what it is doing to my thoughts.  I think a lot of this is the much crappier position I am in this round.  Last round, I was going to be pregnant in a month or so, this is it.  It was new and exciting!  This round all the embryos are going to Denver.  I have already convinced myself it won't work, and if it does I'm just queuing up another miscarriage.

I find my thoughts going to very dark places.  I met up with a friend who wasn't drinking and is obviously pregnant.  She didn't want to tell me but I'm infertile not stupid.  Maybe she was worried my dead baby juju would rub off on her.  Maybe the whole thing is just too pathetic to even talk about.  People stopped telling me about their friend who got ivf twins on the first try, and I don't believe those stories anyway anymore.  And if this round doesn't work, what's the point anyway?  My life is all failure and suffering and I can't take anymore of this.  Everyone is pregnant everyone's life has gone on, it's just me who is still here three years later.

And that is why I need to be very mindful of my thoughts and my thought process on this drug.  I can tell it is trying to take me somewhere very dark, and I need to think about my thought patterns and my judgment.  I can't say I replaced those thoughts with positive ones, just practical ones.  Get the dog groomed.  Get the dry cleaning.  For the next few weeks, just one foot in front of the other.  Just today.  That's all I can handle right now.