Monday, January 25, 2016


I unsubscribed finally from the October 2015 Babies message board digest.  I guess I stayed on this long to torture myself.  Hell, I'm not even in line for an October 2016 baby.  There's nothing to say, there's nothing to plan.  I've unsubscribed from all of this.  Unsubscribe.

The insurance battle is still going.  The state is involved, it's this giant mess.  I might have to hire a lawyer, which would cost more than just paying the IVF, which I think is what they are betting on.  Unsubscribe.

Hermione is now the most annoying OMG MOM on Facebook.  I stopped responded to her OMG MOM texts altogether a couple weeks ago.  I gave a her a little room with a new baby, but why put effort into someone who doesn't even care about me?  Don't need this one-sided conversation.  Unsubscribe.

My mom finally had the courage to harass me about IVF again, and I told her that I thought four dead babies was enough.  That seemed to shut her up.  Unsubscribe.

I spent a whole day with my sister, who didn't even return a text after my miscarriage, and she was delightfully in her own world with her kids' soccer/ballet/whatever it is people with healthy kids worry about.  That was nice.

And again I find myself wishing I had TOLD LESS PEOPLE about IVF.  Sure, if it had taken a year or whatever, maybe it would have been nice to have the support.  But now, four years later, it's just this awkward elephant that follows me around and no one talks about.  It hurts even more to think how many people know about my suffering and say nothing, do nothing, and just don't give a shit.  It would be less painful to just be alone in this suffering.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Facebook Floods

Two babies born last week, and that makes everyone.  Everyone but me.

I lived with the same five girls for most of college.  Our last year, we all bet who of the six of us would get married/have kids first.  The bet was always on me to be last, but I don't think anyone imagined it going like this.  The last of the five had a baby last week.  She must have been in the freaking car home from the hospital and had already posted a bunch of political shit about maternity leave and complained about whatever breastfeeding details people with healthy babies complain about.

And my friend from grad school.  The one who never called back after I almost got taken out by my first pregnancy in 2012.  She had her baby last week.  I'm sure she's already in size 4 jeans ago, because that's how life goes for her.

I need to stop checking Facebook.  It just makes me feel even more alone.  How can everyone be so UNGRATEFUL for their babies?  Why does everyone just kvetch all the time?  And I am left behind.  No shock there.

In 2016, I am facing reality.  I don't feel like this is my year.  I think I have finally wrapped my brain around that this might never happen to me.  I might lose a few more babies, it might kill my marriage, my sex life, my vacation schedule, I don't know.  There's not much left for infertility to take.  I can't feel it for 2016.  I'm not sure I can feel it at all.  Maybe this is just not meant to be.