Tuesday, November 24, 2015


It's almost Thanksgiving where I will get to revel in the royal first grandbaby, and my babies are still all dead or frozen.  And I am so angry at my in-laws.

Nobody cared about my due date.  Not when the first grandbaby was born within days of it.  Nobody sent a text.  Nobody picked up a phone.  Nobody gave a shit.  It's just the gossip topic du jour that everyone knows and no one reaches out to me.

My mind just keeps sitting here marinating on this.  It makes my stomach sick.  It makes my jaw clench up.  I am in this much pain and no one gives a shit.

Really, this isn't different than last year.  Nobody gave a shit then either.  Nobody texted or anything.  But last year, I was in a more hopeful place, I think.  I remember last year looking at the Christmas tree in the fertility clinic that I was blown away that I was still here, so many years later.  I thought I could at least be pregnant this year.  I didn't know that I could lose a heartbeat, be diagnosed with some fucked up blood thing, and be completely hopeless.  You would think I would know things could go left quickly given how this started.

It is different than last year.  I need family.  I need support and love and compassion from somewhere.  I thought I had a family.  I thought my in-laws were like a real family, but it's clear I don't belong, and that I won't get any backing here.

I can't decide what to do for Thanksgiving.  Just not go?  Confront everyone?  Make some sarcastic smart ass comments?  I do know they will not be getting anymore information because clearly it does not matter to them.  I just have to decide if this will poison our relationship forever.  I feel so betrayed.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Heartless Gossip

I was talking to a friend who knows a friend of Fancypants.  She updated me on my own family's gossip.   That long telephone game with people who this is none of their business resulted in a mostly accurate rendition of about half my fertility struggles.  From a woman who is in my family --- and is snuggling a fucking newborn right now.

Conclusion is that I get a pass on baby shit.  Gee thanks.

Nobody picked up a phone or even said shit.  Everyone knew.  Nobody said shit.

Talk about the worst kind of gossip.  Passing my pain around along and not having an ounce of compassion to try to be there for me?  To say I'm sorry?  I'm praying for you?  Hell, I'd even take the well-meaning offensive shit people say (just relax?) over just whispering behind my back and saying nothing.

In my family, no one has been there for me.  My mom always has been useless.  My sister didn't even return the text when I told her there was no heartbeat.  I guess after this many she had no fucks left to give.  My own husband didn't remember the due date.

His family is clearly useless too.  Not only doing nothing to be there or give a shit, but actively gossiping around this story.  I really thought I was close to my in-laws.  In some ways, more than my own parents.  But not now.  I'm an outsider.  They will never be there for me.  In so many ways, I'm on my own.