Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Choked Up

A little over a year ago, we rolled up the same clinic, the same dildo cam, and there was no heartbeat. We were both silent. I was thinking logistics of how I was going to take Cytotec again, because I am supposed to be on a plane on Thursday.

Tech asked the standard questions about prenatals or if I needed the info sheets. We were dismissive and silent, she knew we had seen some shit.

She started the scan and was very silent. Done that before. I was sitting in silence, waiting for her to get the doctor, she still didn't say anything. Then, without warning, she hit a switch, and there was heartbeat! THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT!

I felt it in my throat and I started to choke up. I didn't even hear what else she said. Something about the rate of the heartbeat being excellent, measurements perfect, a perfect seven week scan. Maybe fifth time is a charm.

Friday, April 8, 2016


I haven't even cried for what is probably another failed pregnancy.  I think maybe I have finally accepted that I have no control over this and that this is just how it goes for me.  I have resigned myself to my fate.

I went to the dog park and googled furiously on my phone for over an hour.  Someone tried to talk to me and I didn't even acknowledge them.  My dog would not leave my side, even at the dog park.  She stayed in front of me, even seemed to be putting herself in front of me when dogs would approach.  She refused to play with the dogs.

My HCG/timing/ultrasound make zero sense.  The HCG is WAY too high and yet there is no fetal pole and no yolk sac.  This would put me in the 1% of pregnancies (done that before with the ectopic!)  I guess it's possible this can still work.  It's possible the ultrasound tech is a moron.  It's possible the blood test was wrong.  It's possible the ultrasound was broken.  It's possible this is (another) 1% baby.  There's nothing I can do until the scan next week.

 I don't feel hope anymore.  I feel the darkness coming back that tells me this will never work, and that I was never meant to be a mom anyway.  And now I have stood up the adoption lady in my naive excitement -- you would really think an infertility veteran like me would know better.  Maybe I can't even try for a CPS kid now.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

No Charms

Maybe the fifth time is not a charm.

This should have been a six week scan.  We barely said a word on the drive.  We hadn't been to the IVF clinic together in a year, and that did not go well.  Last time I was there was for a quick scan to make sure my spring 2015 cytotec adventure went to plan.  The blood test didn't match the ultrasound, which didn't match the dates.  Maybe the whole thing is fucked.  HCG is way too high at seven weeks, but there is no yolk sac.

I was very calm during the whole discussion.  I didn't even ask any questions -- in my head I was thinking of which method of abortion I would choose this time.  I felt very matter of fact, like I was choosing options on a used car.  My voice didn't even waver.

I went back to work, I talked on the phone.  Nothing I can do until the scan next week anyway.  I do know that it's easier to do this when there's no heartbeat.  Or maybe the other times just took so much of me I can't feel anything anymore.