Thursday, February 26, 2015

A Scan That Is a Big Deal

Today was our Week 6, Day 1 scan.  Thanks to the ruptured ectopic, I get an early transvaginal, lucky me.  I've had a million of these scans, well dozens over the last three years.  But this one was the one that counted.  I couldn't sleep.  I was sweating.

I had gone over in my head what would happen if I had another ectopic.  I didn't want Methotrexate. I just wanted the surgery to take out all of the tube and be completely sterile.  Just wheel me into the OR that day and take it all.  I don't want to live the rest of my life worried I am going to pass out on a kitchen floor and bleed out.  This wait is worse than the 2WW because failure means painful, awful interventions that take months.   Or waking up in a recovery room again.  The threat of the ectopic has followed me around for weeks.

I was too nervous for my really pushy, dramatic mom to be there.  It was just me and my sperm donor.  We never actually made it this far before.  My ectopic ruptured days before my scheduled Week 8 scan in my first pregnancy.   This scan was a big deal.  It either meant some sort of scary do not pass go treatment about my wonky tubes, or it meant I was just normal.  God I wish I were just normal.

For today at least, I was normal.  Perfectly normal.  A normal baby.  They printed out a picture and gave me a due date and a list of rules, like I'm a normal pregnant woman.  I'm not even on any of the drugs, except a prenatal.  After three years, we never made it this far to actually see a blob on a scan.  Normal.  Wow.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Unicorn Exuberance

A unicorn is that infertile you've heard about a million times.  Pregnant days after filling out adoption paperwork.  Pregnant after four failed rounds of IVF naturally.  HAR HAR. I certainly never thought I would be a unicorn.  After failure after failure, I never let myself believe that, except maybe that moment I let myself believe that IVF would work.  Then there was this morning.

I TESTED POSITIVE.   I took four Wondfos, and they were all squinters.  I am now something resembling pregnant. WTF WTF WTF.

We were in our mandatory break before the next IVF cycle.  I just submitted War and Peace for the insurance IVF preapproval.  It hadn't used OPKs or anything.  This was so bad I didn't even know when my last period was, I had to figure it out from a flight and when I bought tampons at a small town CVS in rural Michigan.

This had to have happened in a Day 9-Day 12 romp on a couch in Chelsea, LOL.  It's the only time I was even around my sperm source.

My sperm source is keeping a lid on the irrational exhuberance.  After my traumatic ruptured ectopic and the chemical pregnancy from IVF, we've been down this road before, and it hasn't gone so well.  I hate that infertility has taken the jump up and down, TV commercial screaming joy from a positive pee stick from me.  I hate that when I showed my sperm source a positive test, he asked when the bloodwork would be so I don't die.  I hate that this journey has taken the joy out of the one thing I wanted the most.

I also hate that I CANT TELL ANYONE.  ARRRRRGGGGGG.  My mother in law, my BFF.  I want to tell them so bad, but I need to just wait a few days.  I need to be more sure.

Life always throws you what you weren't expecting.  It's been THREE YEARS and tens of thousands at this, and to get pregnant on a sofa on Day 12 without even using OPKs is just so ironic I can't stand it.  And somehow such a perfect ending for all I've been through.  I hope I get my perfect ending to this journey now.

UPDATE:  My Beta #1, one day after my missed period, was 56.  Completely normal.  I went to my car and started crying from joy.  It has been over three years waiting for this.  Three years waiting for this call.  I am so full of gratitude to be here.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Infertility Makes You a Better Mom

There's this idea circulating that somehow IVF or having to work this hard for your kids makes you a better mom.  I'm not sure I get it.

I was watching an episode of David Tutera's new party planning show, and he was doing some ridiculous, expensive birthday party for a set of IVF twins for a celebrity I had never heard of.  Clearly, the more money you spend on a party, the better mom you are.  The disturbing part to me was when this celebrity had a little sit down with David Tutera to explain how hard it was, it failed, miracle babies, blah blah.  David totally got it and was then inspired to do an awesome party.

This is coming from someone whose claims his daughter has never even met her twin.

WTF.  Because her twins are born through IVF, she should throw them expensive birthday parties?  She loves them more?  They are worth more?  They are better than accidental Teen Mom twins?  She's a better mom?  People should respect her or be impressed or something?

My mom had cancer.  Does that make me love her more?  Does that mean she deserves expensive parties?  Does that make her a better mom?

I seriously hope that when (if) this is all over, I can never look back.  Never talk about it.  Never think about it.  I hope I can be as close to normal as possible, as if I had a boring accident baby.