Saturday, March 26, 2016

Fifth Time

Things are happening.  I have an adoption meeting on Thursday, we agreed to thaw an embryo in July, depending on what happens with adoption.  We should easily be able to do a home study or whatever else they make us do.  Things are moving forward and going well.  I haven't been charting or taking all these supplements or my blood thinner (except on planes!) or worried about any of it.  One way or another, something is going to happen because we are going to make something happen.

And then I had a dream.  That I was pregnant.

So I tested, the day before Easter Sunday.  SCREAMING POSITIVE.

And suddenly I was filled with all the love in the world, as if this is what were meant to be.  Easter has always had special religious significance in my house, and it's like I could feel my grandmother.  It's been a long time since I could feel her.  Suddenly, this feels like it could all be real.  Maybe after over four years, this could be me.

You know what they say, fifth time is a charm.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Evolving Thoughts on Adoption

From since I was a teenager, I always thought I would adopt.  Ethiopia, specifically.  But I also thought I would never get married, be a bad ass career woman who jets between cities out of a suitcase, and never have children, so there was that.

When we started this journey in 2012, Sperm Donor wanted a biological child.  That was how he felt, and that was that.  For four years I have fought nature, science, God, and time to make this work.  Maybe this isn't the correct path.

Both of our families are full of screw ups and morons.  We are the most successful on either side, by a long shot.  It's clearly not our genetics.  We're not particularly good looking, we don't have the greatest health.  Why are we holding onto this idea?  We are at a complete impasse over whether to use two or one perfect, genetically tested embryos, and THIS DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.

I was inspired by Zero to Zygote and I sat down with my Sperm Donor and we had a real, serious conversation.  We haven't done this in a long time, generally agreeing infertility just isn't there.  But maybe this is stupid.  Even if we do ever manage to have a living biological kid, there's no guarantee that kid will be like us, instead of the rest of our screw up families.  We are interracial anyway, so this kid could never look like either of us.  Any kid we introduce to our family will be in an interracial situation in a superdiverse city.  I think we agreed.

We have resources.  We have a nice house, a fat college fund for this kid, a huge, loving, megadiverse extended family.  We can afford to send this kid to one of the best schools in the nation, and we can get this kid in.  (I've been working on that one since before I started trying.)  We both went to mediocre public schools, but our kid doesn't have to.  We have legacy at three elite universities between us.   Maybe there's a kid out there who needs that?  Maybe there's some whip smart kid who is about to fall through the cracks, and when they see that kid, they will know where to send that kid?

I made an appointment for the information seminar about CPS placements.  Hopefully, I can find someone to talk to about this idea.

Maybe this is an incredibly naive view of adoption.  Maybe I'll get laughed out.  Maybe you don't get to pick the features you want, like a used car.  Maybe adoption from sad child abuse situations isn't focused on college legacy admissions.  But I care about one thing, my kid being smart as hell.  That's all I want.  We can work through anything else.  I don't care what color that kid is, I don't care boy or girl.  If I got a crazy smart three year old, I know I could take that kid to the next level.  Maybe CPS needs us?

Tuesday, March 1, 2016


I need to just get off Facebook.  A monologue about getting pregnant five minutes after getting birth.  OMG, we had no idea this would happen.  Maybe we should have read the books, tee hee.  I know so many people are struggling, and I am so grateful! #blessed

And it's true.  #blessed for that.  How else could that happen?  It's true that we can't control so many things, that this isn't all my fault, luck, God, blah blah.  But if that is #blessed, what does that make me?

God loves you and your alcoholic husband so much that you get two accidental babies, and here I am four years later.  Does this mean I don't deserve blessings?  Clearly I am not #blessed.  Maybe I never will be.  I am not sure what it takes to deserve blessings, but clearly I don't have it.

I've always had a strained relationship with spirituality, and when God took my baby and my tube four years ago, that was an all time low.  Since then, I have struggled mightily with this concept.  I am not worthy of blessings.  I do not deserve children, like everyone else seems to.  Why is everyone else blessed with what seems so easy?

So, if your pregnany is #blessed, I guess I am #notblessed.