Friday, March 13, 2015

No Heartbeat

How stupid I was for thinking I would be normal.  Nothing is normal.  Nothing ever will be normal ever again.

Last week, you could see the heartbeat, and everything measured normal, 7.5 weeks.  Next week, you'll be able to hear the heartbeat!  So I brought my sperm donor and my mother in law to hear the heartbeat of the first grandbaby.  We went to lunch, we talked about the baby.  I felt fantastic.  Everything was fantastic.  We had a laugh about disrobing and the dildo cam.  We were so excited to hear the heartbeat!!!!

And then the tech stopped being so chatty.  And then she got the doctor.  Measuring 6 weeks (not 8.5).  No heartbeat.  So I can either wait or take the drugs next week, or it might happen any minute.

How stupid was I to bring my mother in law to see the heartbeat.  How stupid was I for thinking this would work.   How stupid was I for thinking I would have a baby by Christmas.  How stupid was I for thinking I would ever get a baby at all.  How stupid was I for thinking I would be a unicorn.  I'm no unicorn.  I'm nothing special.  All I do is fail.  I'm no further along than I was three years ago.  Maybe I'll never have a baby.  Maybe suffering and loss are all I have been dealt.

How stupid to tell my friends.  How stupid for taking all of this stuff.  I have a whole closet full of baby stuff.   Is it like wedding gifts?  Am I supposed to return it now?

This Christmas, we will have a two-seater convertible and a bunch of medical bills.  My sister in law Hermione, due in early November, will have the first grandbaby, five months after she started trying.

I'm not OK.  This feels like the world throwing me down ten flights of stairs just to laugh at me.  I don't know if I should scream or collapse or just give up.  This hurts in a completely different way than all the times that came before.  This was my miracle unicorn baby, and I saw it, saw its heartbeart, felt it when I threw up my lunch.  I signed up for prenatal yoga.  I had a tour of a daycare scheduled.  I am so stupid.  It is over now.  Maybe this is never going to happen for me.

7 comments:

  1. I am so, so, so, so sorry. I wish I had comforting words for you, but all I can do is tell you how sorry I am. :(

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  2. I am so very sorry. Damn it.

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  3. Seriously!? That sucks. I am so sorry. It seems like us infertiles never get any f*ckin breaks!!!! Again, I am so sorry. Life is just so unfair sometimes.

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  4. I'm so sorry hon!!! This is such heart-breaking news. Thinking of you.xx

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  5. Oh no, I can't believe I'm reading this. You have no idea how much I was pulling for you and will continue to pull for you.

    I won't offer any other platitudes because, I know it won't help a damn thing.

    We're all in shock with you.

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  7. I am so very, very sorry. I leapt somersaults for you when I read your unicorn post (I actually posted on that post, but now I can't see my comment, which is weird).
    Fuck. I was so happy for you. This is not okay. I am sending you so much love. And helplessness.

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