Cytotec or a Fun Afternoon

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE BRING KIDS TO THE FERTILITY DOCTOR.  I'm in an ultrasound to "confirm fetal demise" and there's a damn baby crying in the next room.  I'm trying really hard not to cry, but then your baby is hungry and my baby is dead.  It's in my face, it's in my lady business, and it's in my ears.  This baby, the furthest we made this in three years, is dead, and then I can't hold it back.  Your baby is fussing, while I watch embryo #4, the one real shot at a real baby, "deteriorate."

It's like when a fertility blog turns into a bitch fest about how OMG pregnancy is so hard.  How quickly you forget how this feels.  I would give anything to throw up on a conference call again or hold my boobs on the stairs.  Just take that shit outside, please.  I can't even deal.  Even at the fucking fertility clinic, the fertiles are always in your face.

She said I could have a natural miscarriage, it should take about three weeks, and I'll come in twice a week.  Or I could have a D&C.  No thanks.  Just get this over with.  I have a spare two days.  I filled the Cytotec and the hydrocodone at the pharmacy, which took forever.  Some asshole in khakis was getting a pertussis shot with his really pregnant and really skinny wife.  They were laughing about using Apple Pay.  Copays of $2.23/$4.76 (ins paid $18.46/$7.23).  No, my Apple Pay isn't set up, but wow, isn't that amazing.  The doctor put it WAY WAY back on my cervix.  That was not pleasant.  I thought my vagina was out of invasive gynecological procedures to try, but this one was totally new.  It was a different doctor than mine, which I was grateful for.  I think I liked her better.  Somehow she was both all business and very compassionate.  It was pretty impressive.  The visit was $180 because I'm still below my deductible.

They gave me a cup and some preservation media to get the "products" for genetic testing.  This may or may not be covered by insurance and it's $800.  The insurance agent said it required preauthorization.  At this point, I don't give a shit.

My sperm donor is in some one horse town in the heartland, so I'm on my own for this one.  Went to Walmart, the only place to buy the Gatorade Sabores de Mi Tierra, the only decent flavors, a lesson learned the hard way during IVF.  Limon pepino (misspelled lime cucumber) is the best, but sandia citrus is decent (not even spanish, Spanglish for watermelon orange, I think).  I got some godzilla sized pads, Gatorade, frozen pizza.  Ice cream.  Took my hydrocodone.  Opened a very expensive bottle of wine.  I haven't had anything to drink in 9 weeks and I've eaten almost all organic for 9 weeks, so this should be interesting.  Haven't eaten in days, choked down some food before shit gets real.

Doctor said this should take 4-5 hours and be all done.  The pills should make me sleep, she said.  The warnings on the consent form were dire.  The warnings on the bottle were dire.  Don't give a shit.  Maybe I'll bleed out and die and this nightmare will be over.