I have one real world person who reads this blog. My best friend Graciela, who lives thousands of miles away from me, and works insane hours so we never get to chat anyway. Hi, G! I started this blog, in part, so I could explain to Graciela how I was feeling, because my wordy, dramatic emails were ridiculous and a stupid burden on her, and really this wasn't about her, and I needed to get the words out to the world.
My post about giving up entirely on motherhood, probably one of the darkest things I have ever written, was written from bed where I had not eaten or showered for two days. I did not have enough hope to open the curtains or even answer when G called me like six times. She's an awesome friend. To me, that post was invalidating my dreams and my life. It was just giving up. It was straight depression.
Graciela is a smart chick. She runs a big ass company and makes big ass money. She makes grown men cry, has a swanky apartment and a vacation house, and drops her own name to get into fancy restaurants. She doesn't even have time for a pet fish because she is such a bad ass bitch. She said she didn't see my post like that. She saw it as a rational decision making post. She said she thought that post was a PIVOT. Now, there's a fancy MBA word for you.
According to Forbes, pivot "is properly used to describe smart startups that change direction quickly, but stay grounded in what they’ve learned." So, yea.
To G, that post didn't say anything at all about my actions. She said it was about my perspective. She thought I would pivot my plans. That is, I would keep up the protocol, just that I would stop focusing on it and put my energy elsewhere, which she thought was a good idea.
I think that sounds like an awesome idea too, but I'm not sure it's even possible. How could I put myself back through the hell of IVF without it consuming my life again? And without allowing myself to believe it will work? And going every day without thinking about the next draw/scan/shot? And how could I do anything else when my baby's heart just stopped? How can you be in the trenches of infertility and not think about it every waking moment? Is that possible?
But maybe this idea is just crazy enough it might work.