Oprah has a saying about how you learn lessons in life. The video is amazing (here). Life starts with pebbles, which you might not even feel because you are sleepwalking through life. If you still don't listen, life will give you a brick upside your head.
In yoga today, I couldn't feel anything. I was trying to center, I was trying to pray or reach out or something. I used to feel like I could feel my babies in my spirit coming to me, that I was destined to be a mother. I don't feel that anymore. I can't hear them.
Maybe all this happening at once: IVF failing, miracle unicorn pregnancy failing, sperm donor's client leaving, me getting a dream job I had scoffed before for motherhood, is a sign that I have not been listening to what the universe has for me, and maybe that isn't to be a mother.
I've had my eye on the prize for THREE YEARS of constant doctor visits, meds, crushed hope every single cycle, I am exhausted. For three years, I've been walking through a pebble storm. I called it bravery or not giving up or something. Maybe I've just been ignoring the truth. Life has been whispering to me for years now. I played off the ectopic as bad luck, then came just some pills, no big deal. And then the pebbles started to hurt after every devastatingly "perfect" IUI cycle. And then life threw a brick at my head after my failed "perfect" IVF cycle. And then I got a brick wall when the heartbeat of my living baby stopped. That's four known dead embryos in three years. Eighty (more?) trips to the fertility doctor.
I hear you loud and clear, life. I heard you every time I curled up in a fetal position, crying. I heard you, but I didn't listen. Maybe I'm not on the right path at all. I can't feel my babies anymore. Maybe my dream has died.
I have spent three Christmases, soon to be four, focused on this one dream that the universe does not want me to have. I was so focused on what I can't have, all my other dreams have been forgotten, and now I can't hear any dreams at all anymore. What were they? Where am I going? What was it I wanted? I can't remember those dreams anymore. Maybe it's time to face that this is not my destiny. Maybe life is pointing me in a different way. Maybe three years and four dead embryos should show me that it just isn't meant to be.