Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Gambling on Starting Over

Failing at IVF has been life altering to me.  Life had to punch me in the face for me to see it.  This could take YEARS, and this might never work.  I'm a giant ball of doubt.

My sperm donor was dropped by his major client, and my clients are boring and mostly on the phone.  And now, other than our families a few hours away, we have nothing holding us here.  I got offered a pretty sweet job in Las Vegas six months ago that I turned down -- obviously  I would be pregnant any second.  Now Vegas is starting to look more appealing.  That's why gambling has been on my mind.

I've been to Las Vegas twice, and I don't remember much of either time.  I don't like gambling, but I do like booze and food and shows.  I don't know much about Vegas.  But I have priorities, you guys, so I know Las Vegas has two IVF clinics that reported their SART data (what????) and they're nowhere close as good stats as the good clinics in this giant city.  But Vegas does seem to have like twice as many tubal cases, go figure.  Maybe it's the super gonorrhea.  And yes, I am allowed to make jokes like that because obviously my tubes are jacked too.

This Vegas job is a big-shot-career-woman job, like the one I left, with a nice office.  The kind where you would never see your fancy  Las Vegas apartment -- or your kid, if you had one.  But I don't have a kid.  And I won't have a kid for at least a year.  If I can ever manage to have a kid, I guess.  So what's stopping me from taking some big shot career woman job now?

I planned my life and dialed back my career for something that didn't happen.  I made IVF my life, and I acted as if pregnancy were the certain outcome.  I can't be on hold for years.  Next IVF round, there's no reason I couldn't take off a couple days and keep working.  If I keep sitting on my butt in my half-ass job and never manage to have a kid, then I will have nothing at all.  At least if I take the job, I'll have my career, at least until I can actually figure this kid thing out.  And if I can ever manage to get pregnant, we can work it out from there.

After so much failure and heartbreak, I am kind of drawn to starting all over in a place where I don't know anyone and would have a totally new, demanding job.  At least I wouldn't be thinking about what could have been all the time.

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