Friday, December 5, 2014

Ghost of Christmas Future

My beta was 15.  This combined with my estrogen was of grave concern.  I'm on estrogen patches, so I don't get it, but whatever.  I'm done trying to figure out betas or pretend like I have any kind of control in this.

I went in for an emergency scan for an ectopic.  Scan showed nothing.  Come back next week and we will come up with a plan, assuming I don't bleed out and die before then.  So maybe I get an abortion for Christmas!

Sometime between Wednesday and Friday, the clinic put up a giant Christmas tree in the waiting room covered in Baby's First Christmas ornaments.  And of course the ornaments all have pictures of smiling twins in matching Christmas outfits.  Twins dangling just out of reach.

It occurred to me that Baby's First Christmas won't happen for me this year.  And then Christmas Future punched me in the gut.  I was trying really hard not to cry in the waiting room but did not quite succeed.  With how badly this has gone, and with how much time it will take to do something else, it probably can't even happen by next Christmas either.

That means Four Christmases as a grinch who just wants what comes so easily to everyone else.  Four Christmases waiting for my baby.  God, I'll be looking at this giant Christmas tree again next year covered in even more twins, while my heart is two sizes too small.  Hell, I might be looking at this same damn tree for years.

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