My lack of fertility has been my mom's favorite topic for a long time. She doesn't tell jokes about being fertile, instead she makes everything about my OMG IVF. She told everyone and their dog about my first pregnancy, and then my dramatic emergency ectopic. Thanks mom! She told my accountant I was doing IVF when I was two months into Clomid.
At Christmas, my failed IVF was her favorite topic. Even over my dad's fight with cancer. Her neighbors and her church club and her bridge club all know some completely inaccurate version of my whole uterine battle. She asks for a million details and then tells anyone who will talk to her some part of the details and some details that came from her imagination.
She was actually supposed to be at that scan where there was no heartbeat. But instead something came up with her dogs or the dentist. Something important. And that's my mom.
We had a big family event this weekend. Everyone was there. I was prepared for this to be a Christmas repeat, this time with fun miscarriage!!! But my mom didn't say anything. And nobody asked any questions or said shit. This is creepy.
That means my mom either spread this gossip respectfully and appropriately with concern for my feelings (!!!). HA. Who am I kidding. They must still think I'm working on IVF since the Christmas failure. That means my mom actually kept her promise when I told her she could tell NO ONE BUT DAD that I was pregnant. And that she kept that promise after I was no longer pregnant.
I would like to think this means that she knows how hard this is. That this was different and that it was too sad to even gossip about. Maybe she knew this loss has shaken something loose. This loss is testing my faith. This loss has gutted me. Maybe.
Or maybe she believed me when I told her that if she violated my trust she would get no more information. Because I meant it. Either way, I'm proud of her.