I said all along one of the most shocking things to me was how my friends' reactions. I will accept most of the blame. I didn't know how to educate them, hell, I didn't know what I was going through myself. But I also was unclear about what I needed, when someone was being an asshole, and when I just needed a hand. And maybe I'm a bummer.
And this time around, losing a heartbeat, was no different. Maybe I should have told someone that I need something. Something. Something? What? I think it doubled down when it took my sperm donor out for the count -- he still won't talk about what actually happened. He was unmoved by IVF or my emergency surgery, but that one shook him.
But what good would that support do? A text can't solve this. Brunch can't fix it. I don't know how to explain how I feel. It's very dark in here. I'm not sure how to recover from this. I don't even know what I'm looking for. You would think after all these losses it would be easier. But I think the reverse is true. I think each experience is taking parts of me. I know that I will never be the same. It is taking my optimism.
I feel like I am watching someone else's life. Some pathetic woman who just keeps piling on like a sitcom, to laugh at. Again and again, the hits keep coming. And every time that girl is stupid enough to try again as if something will change this time. Stupid girl. I feel like I have no control, and I'm just watching that pathetic girl flounder and get punched. Make no mistake, I'm the punchline. And I don't know how to say that I might appear to be at a comedy show on Facebook, but it's not true. My life is somewhere else entirely.
Failed IVF was one thing. Pathetic. Pity.
But this is another level of pathetic. Everyone knows this isn't just an everyday miscarriage. After three years of struggle, this is what I got. So I don't even get the no-big-deal, miscarriage minimizing shit. I just get nothing. No one says a damn word. I think next time around I get the adoption pity. Pretty surprised that hasn't happened yet, actually.
God, I told so many people I was pregnant, and everyone is acting like nothing happened. I'm not OK.