You know what, I've been a lousy friend. And I'm sorry. I don't want to exchange fifteen texts if you can maybe fit me into brunch. I don't want to talk about basketball. I forgot your birthday. I don't care that he didn't text you back. I don't want to check out the new whatever. I can't deal with kids' anything. I do want to get completely drunk, that was fun. I also enjoyed that racist comedy show where I forgot all of this for a split second. But other than that, I don't care. I'm not here.I said all along one of the most shocking things to me was how my friends' reactions. I will accept most of the blame. I didn't know how to educate them, hell, I didn't know what I was going through myself. But I also was unclear about what I needed, when someone was being an asshole, and when I just needed a hand. And maybe I'm a bummer.
And this time around, losing a heartbeat, was no different. Maybe I should have told someone that I need something. Something. Something? What? I think it doubled down when it took my sperm donor out for the count -- he still won't talk about what actually happened. He was unmoved by IVF or my emergency surgery, but that one shook him.
But what good would that support do? A text can't solve this. Brunch can't fix it. I don't know how to explain how I feel. It's very dark in here. I'm not sure how to recover from this. I don't even know what I'm looking for. You would think after all these losses it would be easier. But I think the reverse is true. I think each experience is taking parts of me. I know that I will never be the same. It is taking my optimism.
I feel like I am watching someone else's life. Some pathetic woman who just keeps piling on like a sitcom, to laugh at. Again and again, the hits keep coming. And every time that girl is stupid enough to try again as if something will change this time. Stupid girl. I feel like I have no control, and I'm just watching that pathetic girl flounder and get punched. Make no mistake, I'm the punchline. And I don't know how to say that I might appear to be at a comedy show on Facebook, but it's not true. My life is somewhere else entirely.
Failed IVF was one thing. Pathetic. Pity.
But this is another level of pathetic. Everyone knows this isn't just an everyday miscarriage. After three years of struggle, this is what I got. So I don't even get the no-big-deal, miscarriage minimizing shit. I just get nothing. No one says a damn word. I think next time around I get the adoption pity. Pretty surprised that hasn't happened yet, actually.
God, I told so many people I was pregnant, and everyone is acting like nothing happened. I'm not OK.
I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need... it is all very frustrating. I know how you feel. It's such a big part of our lives, and at times it feels like our lives are stuck in one place, and everyone else keeps moving on and doesn't even acknowledge it. There is no easy answer. My philosophy has been to "fake it 'till I make it" and sometimes that works better than others. Hang in there. xxx.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet girl I have been there. I am still there. People just do not get it and when they are those close to you that you love it is heartbreaking. I gained no comfort from fertiles who consoled me that they too, had been through a miscarriage. I found myself thinking "yeah but you could (and usually did) get pregnant again the next month and now you have your bab(ies)." Not so easy for us infertiles. Just please know that you have every right to every feeling you are going through. It's okay. And we are here for you. Email me anytime.
ReplyDelete:( people suck with miscarriages and it's so difficult to deal with. I don't know if you've ever seen the Unspoken Grief website? you might find it helpful, you may not but anyway beside the point. I'm sorry this. It's not fair. I wish someone would have said something to you. Sometimes it feels better to have someone acknowledge your tragedy. Which is exactly what it is. and your feelings are understandable, valid, and completely normal for what you've gone through. <3
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