Saturday, May 9, 2015

Ready? No?

We have to make some choices soon.  Next cycle, we could do a FET or even another full IVF cycle.  I would be medically ready, but I don't know if I'm ready.

Physically, I am ready.  I'm grateful the misoprosotol went as planned, it was sort of natural, and I didn't have to have a D&C.  My poor boobs.  My brief pregnancy made their formerly perky glory into some kind of soft barnacle I lug like a beast of burden.  That's a little better now.  My laser hair removal is now about 1/4 reversed, which is really annoying, but I have decided to just buy razors again.  I've been working out.  I lost a little more weight.  I can do ab work I could never do before.  I started going to barre classes because whoa do those work the pelvic floor.  I might get a new trainer.

The problem is in my head.  Mentally, I now know far too much about loss.  I am now expecting the worst.  I could handle a failed cycle.  I even think I could handle the hormonal hell and logistic torture of a fresh IVF cycle.  But I'm not sure I can survive another miscarriage, honestly.  I don't know if I can do it.  I'm not sure my marriage can take it.  My sperm donor handled this one particularly badly, and he still won't talk about it.  I'm not sure my brain can wrap around another miscarriage without breaking.

And I feel like I'm wasting so much TIME.  I got pregnant in January, and now it will be June before we can even start any of these cycles.  Even though I feel the clock ticking, I feel like there is no time to waste, I'm not ready.  I can't go through this again.

1 comment:

  1. Take care of yourself<3. The worst part of infertility is watching time go by, I definitely agree. Infertility is so cruel. I wish I had better things to say or ways to comfort you but honestly, it sucks. I haven't and won't give up hope for you though. <3 Have you considered talking to someone who specializes in infertility about everything? Just to help work through all the feelings? I did for a while and even made an appointment but then I chickened out and cancelled it so many times she told me to leave her alone >.>