His and Hers Thoughts

I finally heard from my sperm donor.  He yelled at me for getting his parents involved in this miscarriage.  That's misdirected anger, and it's stupid, but whatever, I'll take it.  Since this miscarriage, he was completely shut down and refused to talk about it or anything else.

I say that he never showed any emotion, but I'm not sure how accurate that is.  I think he mourns differently than I do.  He drinks a lot.  He goes out all night. I get that, not to feel it.  And then he POURS himself into work.  After the IVF failed, he seemed to not even care.  He didn't say a word about it.  And then he went and bought a two seater convertible without even telling me.

Well, this time was no different.  He went on some kind of Gordon Ramsey rampage at work.  Always screaming at someone.  Always with a new spreadsheet to get someone fired.  I guess that's good because he gets shit done, and puts the anger and the feelings somewhere.  This recent January rampage got him a gig that he gladly took traveling 75%.  And I don't mean good travel.  I mean small towns, crappy hotels, McD's kind of travel.  And he took it.

This most recent screaming fest, I just let his anger about his parents come out.  I got it.  It wasn't about me, and it was a bigger point of this being unfair, or him feeling embarrassed, and him feeling pissed off at the world and his sister.  His five years younger sister, who will have the first grandbaby.  I get it.  He's mad too.

This degenerated into him saying he couldn't do this anymore.  That he couldn't be all excited and then "all crapped out" anymore.  He couldn't take this anymore.  When do we accept this just isn't going to work.  How much money will this take?  How long will this take?  Maybe we need to come up with another plan.  Obviously, these are all things I have said here to the universe, but I'd never heard them from him.  He said no more IVF.  I was actually very calm.  And I said that if he didn't want a baby anymore, then we need to come up with another plan for everything.  He later modified his position into a break (mandatory anyway) and then he said he just didn't care.

I kind of wish I had never seen a heartbeat, that this had never been real to him.  The ectopic and the failed IVF were way more real to me than they were to him.  But seeing a heartbeat and then not was a completely new level of failure for both of us.

He was always my rock in sense that he always at least appeared in control, and he was always on board with the bigger, better, next option.  He didn't go to a lot of appointments, and he really didn't know a lot, but he was always on board to escalate.  In the past, he would have said he took this gig to pay for IVF.  He didn't say that.  We don't have any more options like that.  I know there's no way he'd go along with IUI.  And now I am not sure we can handle another full round.  Maybe the plan to go fresh is too much and the freezer isn't such a terrible idea.