Monday, April 20, 2015

Cheese Stands Alone

I have been blogging over nine months, and haven't managed to birth anything but a lot of bills.  When I started the blog, I was already two years into this process.  I thought I would just blog about my then-looming IVF, it was a lot to process.  And update Graciela without a bunch of dramatic emails.  And blogs were SO helpful in gathering information about IVF.  There was no way books or doctors could have told me all of this.  After that, I thought this would all be over.  HA.

Somehow, even infertiles have managed to lap me.  Of the original dozen or so infertility blogs I had on my reader, like all but a couple are now pregnant.  Ouch.  BFP after BFP, they all left the barren club. I mean, I guess that's good, modern science and all.  I should be hopeful?

There's nothing worse than an infertility blog bitching about how to rent a breast pump.  The shit I hear at all baby showers in real life.  How sad for you.  If I ever manage to stay pregnant, I hope everyone has to unsubscribe because I'm a smug pregnant woman too.  I was feeling so alone.  The cheese stands alone.

Even my infertility sisters are all pregnant, and I'm still here.  My first baby should have been over two years old.  Has it really been over three years?  Will it really be 2016???  My god.  Am I the only one still stuck here?

And then I checked my email.  And I saw those messages from women who have never met me and don't even know my name.  You know who you are.  You took the time to write a complete stranger with love after my miscarriage.  And then I went back and read those comments.  I was just writing into the universe.  I was just writing those awful feelings down because I had nothing else to do with them.  Feelings of being lost, being not good enough, giving up. 

I never expected those words could give me back the love I needed.  I am so touched by the love and the kindness of strangers.  I can feel it.  It is very real, something I would have laughed at before this blog.  I never thought the words of strangers could mean so much.  Words are so powerful.   So, thank you.  Thank you for your words.  Thank you.


  1. I'm one of those people, though I haven't reached the bitching about a breast pump yet so I honestly say to you, don't go to my blog. It's cool. I understand. I don't expect you to come there.

    But I will say, it took us 5 years to conceive. We never did IVF so I can't attest to that financial atrocity (too far?) and our MC was so long ago that I rarely talk about it. Our baby would have been 4 this July. After that, we had nothing til this year. so I get the time thing. The longer it goes the harder it is. And the crazier you feel.

    My point is. I've been there. I've been the cheese left in group after group as everyone got pregnant but me. I try not to talk about me here, cos we're talking about you and I know how much I hated the "never lose hope it happened for me" kind of comments (seriously, people, shove it) but I will say, you may feel alone but I want you to know you aren't. I get your frustration. You can be angry and hate everyone, It's valid and fair. I'm gonna keep hoping and cheering you on. I want this for you.

    and if it's cool with you I'm gonna keep checking in. If not, I'll keep the hoping though.

    1. LOL. Of course it's cool. Good to see you. Ideally an infertility blog SHOULD turn into a pregnancy blog, that's kind of the point. I just can't deal with that right now. But that's on me.

      Thanks for the love. Really, I mean that. And thanks for checking in.

  2. You're right, words are powerful. And for those of us who don't know you outside of this blog, words is all we have to send love, support and positive thoughts to you.

    And, it's perfectly reasonable to stay away from pregnancy blogs for now. Or forever. Whatever you need for yourself.

    I'll keep reading yours all the same and, when it turns into a pregnancy blog, I'll keep coming back for more.

  3. I'm still here, too... And I can totally relate to the feeling of being left behind, as most of the blogs I have been following have turned into pregnancy blogs bar one or two (and most of the non-preggers ones have gone dormant). It does sort of affect my ability to follow closely and comment on blogs, especially if I'm feeling particularly fragile. It's sad, but as you said, ideally infertility blogs should turn into pregnancy blogs.. the sense of feeling left behind is just a shitty part and parcel of this journey. I just hope and pray that we won't be left behind permanently, but will join the pregnancy ranks soon.. So just wanted to say, I feel you, sister, I feel you.xx