Saturday, July 4, 2015

Feeling Weird On Lupron

I've been on Lupron  almost a week now, and I'm feeling it.  I still don't have the headaches 75 - 100% people get, so I'll take it.  What I do have this time is this all over achy muscle feeling.  One blogger said she felt like a hungover sloth.  I feel like I have the flu, like all over aches and no ability to control the temperature of my body.  My back aches, my wrist aches, it hurts.  My hips hurt.  Last time I went on an emergency run to a nail salon massage chair LOL.  I have no idea how people are on this drugs for months and months.

Oh and the naps.  I'm not a napper normally, but  the general fatigue never goes away.  Naps on Lupron naps are delightful and refreshing.

I've been cleared to exercise and Lupron is a doping drug, but I'm still traveling so I haven't made that work yet.  I am  trying that tomorrow.  We will see how that goes.  Maybe I'll have to abort that too.

The biggest change this cycle is what it is doing to my thoughts.  I think a lot of this is the much crappier position I am in this round.  Last round, I was going to be pregnant in a month or so, this is it.  It was new and exciting!  This round all the embryos are going to Denver.  I have already convinced myself it won't work, and if it does I'm just queuing up another miscarriage.

I find my thoughts going to very dark places.  I met up with a friend who wasn't drinking and is obviously pregnant.  She didn't want to tell me but I'm infertile not stupid.  Maybe she was worried my dead baby juju would rub off on her.  Maybe the whole thing is just too pathetic to even talk about.  People stopped telling me about their friend who got ivf twins on the first try, and I don't believe those stories anyway anymore.  And if this round doesn't work, what's the point anyway?  My life is all failure and suffering and I can't take anymore of this.  Everyone is pregnant everyone's life has gone on, it's just me who is still here three years later.

And that is why I need to be very mindful of my thoughts and my thought process on this drug.  I can tell it is trying to take me somewhere very dark, and I need to think about my thought patterns and my judgment.  I can't say I replaced those thoughts with positive ones, just practical ones.  Get the dog groomed.  Get the dry cleaning.  For the next few weeks, just one foot in front of the other.  Just today.  That's all I can handle right now.

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