Saturday, July 11, 2015

Stims GO! Day #1

It's Day #1 of Stims!

I cut my ridiculous workout regime.  I'm not even going to yoga.  All my energy is going towards the stimming.  Definitely not trying boot camp on Day #3 of stims.  That was a terrible idea.  I can already feel my mind spinning, I might go crazy.  Working out was the only productive way I had to deal with all of this stress

Lovenox gave me a crazy bruise, like worse than this one.  It was really that bad.  It's just so much liquid gel stuff.  God, Lovenox is bad.  It hurts and it hurts even more the next day.  It's worse than any IVF med I've ever taken.  Insurance didn't pay anything for it, and it was $143.10 out of pocket for 30 syringes.

My mind is spinning.  Sperm donor told me he knows two couples with IVF twins, and they are both divorced.  In fairness, one of them should have been divorced from day one, she was a total bitch.  Mind spinning.  Scared.  Surgery.  My to do list is very long and has lots of stuff I can accomplish while I need to entertain myself.  But I didn't do any of it.

I sat on the couch and watched My 600-Lb Life.  That show makes me feel like I got life under control, and I got my shit figured out.  Turns out it was an update episode and this woman had a baby with no heartbeat and went in for a D&C, and it all came back to me.  I could physically feel it on my chest.  I could feel that no heartbeat.  I could feel looking at the ceiling.  I could hear someone's fucking baby crying next door.  I could feel wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else.  Of course, even she actually got her goddamn baby in this episode. It's just me who loses time and time again.  I was crying again. I can't even watch ridiculous reality TV. I need to watch real housewives or something.  These meds are no joke.

I need to be mindful of what I am thinking and how I am treating people.  This is temporary, and it's not real. I just need to hang on, one foot in front of the other for now.  Just today, just for now.


  1. Oh hon, hang in there. And I think adopting the mantra "it's just the hormones, it's just the hormones.." is the only way forward really. It's just so awful that on top of all the invasive procedures we have to contend with the crazy-making meds when going through IVF..x

    1. I'm more thinking I will deal with it later. My feelings seem legit, even if they are the hormones talking. But this doesn't have to be handled today. Just today for today.

  2. I promise you will survive the Lovenox. I've been taking it for nearly nine months and it does get easier.

    I was just switched to Heparin and that is causing me no end of misery. I hate it.

    Fingers crossed for this cycle!

    1. I sure hope Lovenox gets better. I guess I get to be on this for months maybe, if I can ever get pregnant. For today, just today.