Friday, July 17, 2015

FREEZE ALL Stim Day #7

This morning I went in for a scan.  It wasn't my doctor, so when she was probing me and telling me about my lining, I told her it was a freeze all so that didn't matter so much.  What a difference.  Obviously, for genetic testing, it has to be a freeze all, but I hadn't thought about what that meant to me.

This time last IVF cycle, I was a damn mess.  I had been madly googling scary stories about OHSS and pregnancy.  Don't do that before your IVF, please.  This exact scan was much scarier.  This time, I feel pretty chill about it.  Aside from the occasional insane thoughts that this medicine keeps putting in my head, I feel pretty calm now.  If shit goes left, they can give me real drugs.

There are a couple differences this time.  I know what is happening.  I'm not scared of needles.  I know what is about to happen.  I have tried to make myself feel like I am doing something by buying gatorade and following the rules.  I believe I will get eggs.  I believe they will do something.  And then they will all die one way or another, but I am kind of at peace with that too.

The FREEZE ALL is a big difference.  I am clearly in no emotional state to be impregnated next week.  Biopsies take a few weeks, gearing up for FET takes a month or two?  Anyway, nothing is going to happen next week that I can control.  The babies are just going to the freezer.  This feels like a lot less pressure.  It makes me wonder if I had said I wanted to freeze all last time if maybe the results would have been better?

Surgery on Tuesday for now.  Soon.

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