This morning I went in for a scan. It wasn't my doctor, so when she was probing me and telling me about my lining, I told her it was a freeze all so that didn't matter so much. What a difference. Obviously, for genetic testing, it has to be a freeze all, but I hadn't thought about what that meant to me.
This time last IVF cycle, I was a damn mess. I had been madly googling scary stories about OHSS and pregnancy. Don't do that before your IVF, please. This exact scan was much scarier. This time, I feel pretty chill about it. Aside from the occasional insane thoughts that this medicine keeps putting in my head, I feel pretty calm now. If shit goes left, they can give me real drugs.
There are a couple differences this time. I know what is happening. I'm not scared of needles. I know what is about to happen. I have tried to make myself feel like I am doing something by buying gatorade and following the rules. I believe I will get eggs. I believe they will do something. And then they will all die one way or another, but I am kind of at peace with that too.
The FREEZE ALL is a big difference. I am clearly in no emotional state to be impregnated next week. Biopsies take a few weeks, gearing up for FET takes a month or two? Anyway, nothing is going to happen next week that I can control. The babies are just going to the freezer. This feels like a lot less pressure. It makes me wonder if I had said I wanted to freeze all last time if maybe the results would have been better?
Surgery on Tuesday for now. Soon.