Saturday, November 29, 2014

Showing Some Basic Compassion for Infertiles

I just read a story where someone announced their pregnancy (not even out of the first trimester) at Thanksgiving dinner, in front of a relative that she KNEW was struggling with infertility.  Not surprisingly, that infertile woman cried in the other room for 20 minutes.  And the OMG pregnant person is being a really big person because she isn't demanding an apology from the person she humiliated because she couldn't bother to give her a heads up before this little display.  Wow, how generous.

As someone who has been on the receiving end of this, I'm so humiliated for this poor woman at Thanksgiving dinner.  It's bad enough when it's just oblivious fertiles who are all ME ME ME and have no idea what you are feeling.  But if someone with a freaking infertility blog knows you are suffering with infertility, for fuck sake, why not just give her a heads up?

I'll never forget when my smug pregnant family member announced her first trimester pregnancy not long after my awful, life-threatening surgery, that killed my baby.  Not everyone knew about the surgery.  I didn't even think this relative knew about it.  But she made a veiled, humorous reference to ME and to the surgery.  I will never forget that she made me cry in front of probably 20 family members.  I will never forget that she knew I was suffering and used it against me.  Our relationship will never be the same.

Infertiles obviously know everyone else in the family is going to get pregnant, and we are supposed to smile and send money and gush about your glow, I know.  But if you're going to announce it at dinner so that this whole holiday can be about you and your wonderful, magical pregnancy, just give me a heads up so I don't humiliate myself by crying in front of everyone again after another failed cycle.  I don't think that's too much to ask.  And I'm never going to apologize if you can't have basic compassion for me after I trusted you enough to tell you about my struggles in infertility.


  1. You are so out of line here and have taken this story completely out of context. I can see from this post you have had some really traumatic experiences in your life that have probably made you pretty sensitive to this sort of thing and I am so sorry about that but to leave the message you did on that woman's blog was purely mean and evil of heart. It's not like she got onto her blog and said na na na I don't know what this chick's problem is. She got onto her blog and told everyone what happened and then said she REGRETS she didn't think to pull her cousin aside. Also, she told her closest family who she sees weekly at their weekly dinner. It wasn't some random bash. They were the immediate family that she wanted to know first as they are so close to her and she sees them so frequently. The girl made a mistake - have you ever made one? Or are you perfect and not at all flawed? I am so sorry that your life experience has filled you with so much anger and hate. It must be hard to get around carrying it. I hope you can find more happiness and understanding in your heart.

    1. No, I can't say I expected an apology from someone who I intentionally made cry in public. Sorry.