Saturday, November 29, 2014

Giving Up

Today is 7dp5dt.  I woke up to blood.   I mean serious blood everywhere, and I started to cry.  I sat there on the toilet and just cried.  In the country at a beautiful cottage full of wonderful food and family.  Two days after Thanksgiving.  Eventually my sperm donor woke up, and he had no idea what to do.  He just started packing the bags so we could leave.  And then he got some really, really bad news from work.  So bad they sent it on Saturday after a holiday.

I was still Googling.  Blood is no big deal.  It says so on the instructions.  It says so on the internet.  Way too early for a period anyway right?  In 20 mins it had stopped and was just some dried blood.  WTF.  Even though we were around loving family, we didn't tell them anything.  We just left.

I had one Wondfo pregnancy test left, so I took it.  Negative.  I'm not even going to buy more.  There is nothing I can do about it.  Why do I even try to convince myself I'm in some kind of control?  I do still have a stack of Wondfo ovulation kits, for all the good those did me.

Life has been punching us in the face all year.  I just thought maybe we could have some good news.  And after everything was finally going perfectly, and everything finally seemed like it was working, life reminds me that it can take it all away in a second.

I understand now why people give up on fertility treatments.  Heck fertile people act like IVF is just like ordering a really expensive pizza.  Just order another right?  There were a couple IUIs that gutted me, like curled up in a ball for a day gutted.  But most of the failures I kind of expected.  10% success rate, you know.  It wasn't the end of the world.  Just a couple scans and a catheter.  Try again.

IVF wasn't like that.  I let myself believe it would work.  And it took SO MUCH: resources, physically, emotionally, time.  I feel like an idiot for going through all of this in a process that doesn't even work that well.  What did I think 60% meant?  It meant I was flipping a coin, more or less.  I don't know if I can take any more failure.  I don't know if I can take any more bad news this year.  I mean just for this Christmas I wish I could get some good news for a change.  Just waiting for this stupid beta on Monday, I guess.


  1. I know it seems hopeless but, I'm hoping for good news from you on Monday. I'm so sorry this has happened and wrecked the vacation you were on.

    I hope whatever is going on with your husband will work itself out, too.

  2. Infertility is so hard. We are all spending our lives hoping and having that hope crushed. A good friend of mine said she found it very difficult to try again after the first failure so I get that. Does your clinic offer free counselling with each transfer? Mine does and I am definitely going to do it next round. I thought I was OK this first round but then it all sort of built up and caught up with me about a week later. It was like a delayed devastation. We are all different and I don't know your back story really at all but keep at it. Most people are successful after multiple attempts. The odds go up to some really high number. Good luck.

  3. It's not over yet. I'm so sorry your thanksgiving got spoiled but it is not over yet. Got my arm round you (I have very long arms)