Suck It Up. She Had a Baby

Pregnant in My Forties just had a crappy experience where her sister texted expecting a card the minute she shit out her little blessing.  Of all the baby showers I have skipped and gifts I have missed, I'm glad no one ever did that to me because they would be really sad at the flood of awkward anger/resentment/jealousy that poured out of me.  But mostly the grief.  They wouldn't be able to handle the flood of grief, and that's why I don't dump it on them and why most of them don't even know about this whole pile of crap

My husband's cousin, skinny bitch with a boob job, had a baby a little over a month ago.  He's a manager at an oil change place, and she quit her receptionist job to stay at home, and her non-English speaking, overbearing mother lives there too after her ugly divorce.  I can't say I exactly envy that, but I am so very jealous that she has two incredibly beautiful boys and I have a stack of bills.

I sent her a present.  It was a nice present too.  The last baby, right before we started trying, I sent a $200 flower arrangement and never heard anything, so I toned it down.  I sent a set of blankets and onesies and stuff.  Generic, but hey, I sent it and wrote some shit about how happy I was for her.

Fast forward, she is posting a picture of the baby every freaking day on Facebook.  And she couldn't pop me a message about my nice gift.  I'm tempted to send an aggressive text like Pregnant in my Forties's sister, but I really don't care.  I could actually give a shit if she got this present.  It just sucks to crawl out of this hole and try to act like everything is normal for a minute, only to realize it's not.  A baby photo on Facebook is not the same, and a birth present is not the same.  Nothing will ever be the same.

My Birthday - 32

Today is my birthday.  My 32nd birthday.  We started all of this when I was 29 years old, knocked up on the second try, in a three day window between business trips no less!  Oh, to be innocent and ignorant again.

On my 30th birthday, I had to cancel my birthday because I was still reeling from just losing the baby and my tube and you know, almost bleeding out and dying.  I went on a small trip to see a friend a little later.  Last birthday, I was sad but still had a little BBQ with a piñata and it was pretty fun.

This birthday is just giving me the sadz.  This birthday I get hot flashes and nightmares on Femara, and this is the lowest dose I've been on for our minibreak before IVF.  Happy birthday to me!

I am too sad for a birthday.  I am so very sad.  What am I going to do?  Invite all my friends with kids over for more advice?  (You better get on that soon!  Nothing better than having kids!  My sister had her twins at 41!  You want kids, please take mine!!)  Have a party at a bar and do some shots with my 4 childless friends?  I am just too sad for my birthday.  All it means is I am running out of time.  It means I have been fucking with this for way too long.  It's pathetic really.  The whole thing is pathetic.  So, I've canceled my birthday this year.  Kthanks!

Acupuncture?

Of all the crazy shit I have tried on my infertility journey -- stupid diets, working out, not drinking (OK, that one is a lie), massage, meditation, yoga, hot yoga, pilates, praying, juicing, all organic, and Kegels --- the one infertile standby I haven't dabbled is in acupuncture.


The truth is I am terrified of needles.  I'm OK with the actual piercing part, but when its sitting there, I feel like shit is about to go wrong and I start to panic.  It's hard enough for me to sit still for a massage.  I can't even make it through a yoga class anymore because I'm so stressed out about everything.  Sitting still with needles is my personal hell, I think.

I'm at the point where I feel like I would do anything to get pregnant.  I've already put my whole life on hold, spent all my cash, and yet this one freaks me out.  I'm just not sure why acupuncture is so trusted to all these ladies out there.  I wouldn't even know about it for IVF if it weren't on everyone's blog.  But still.  Makes me shudder to think about it.

Still Hate Progesterone

Well, Day 3, and it's pretty clear what all that progesterone did.  Dear lawd.  This is maybe the worst flowering I've ever had.


I hate this stuff.  I hated it when it was just a chalky mess, before it was trying to rip my uterus out through my spine.  Holy hell.  But it's clear it was doing something, so I guess I just have to deal with this nasty stuff at the end of cycles until something happens.

And now suddenly all my generally mild, no big deal periods seem like just another way my body is screwing everything up.  I always thought of that as lucky.  This is a terrible feeling to be trying to control your body, and still to feel so out of control.

Get What You Pay For

Doctor's office still hasn't called me back.  WTF.  Guess my request to book a scan and a shot was really cramping their day.  My bad.

This is the one of most expensive clinics in the area, maybe one of the most expensive in the whole world.  I only got into this clinic with a recommendation from a friend of a friend.  Many are from out of state, from overseas, and have come for their specialization.

The thing is, no one wants to feel like they're a cash machine, especially when it's your (theoretical) baby at stake.  My doctor is cold but educated, and I'm cool with that.  I'm not looking for a BFF.  I don't need anyone to hold my hand or have a cry with me or whatever.   When I was reading all of these reviews about a nurse who became a "friend" or a doctor calling with betas, I thought these bitches be crazy.  But now I think they might have been on to something.

It would be nice to be fucking called back, to be treated like I matter, like they care about my experience.  In my business, we call it customer service.  We call it how you would treat your mom.  (Hopefully my mom wouldn't be a fertility clinic, but you get the point.)  Really it's just human decency.

Disappointed

This is the first time I've really felt disappointed by my RE's office.  Today is day one (yay!) so I am supposed to call the nurse line, which is actually an answering machine, to schedule a scan.  I left a message (last first DOB Dr) to schedule to scan and I also asked them to call in the Ovidrel to my insurance company's specialty pharmacy because the insurance company cut me off locally.

I didn't hear shit back.  I called at 10AM, and nobody bothered to call me back.  I had my phone on me ALL DAY waiting for that call.  If I did that to my clients I would be FIRED.  I would be so fired my RE's head would spin because I couldn't afford all of this shit.  You know, because I actually have to meet my clients needs and they actually give a shit when no one calls them back.  The thing I asked for takes 15 minutes.  Hell, if somebody answered the phone, it wouldn't have taken longer than the fucking message.

I'm so disappointed.  I'm starting to think maybe this is the wrong choice for IVF.  I mean, this stupid Ovidrel can wait a week or two, and clearly no one gives a shit about my schedule, but what if my question can't wait until the next day?  There is no one on call here?  For the first time I am really doubting my choices.

Here We Go

Hi there, period.  My period was two days late.  It's the first time it's been off-schedule in a year, and I didn't let myself get too excited, but I took the tests anyway.  I took five Wonfos a day.  Science, I told myself.  I was glad to be two days late, even though I already knew what was happening.  My body was already telling me.


I have to do another assisted ovulation cycle, so this one is taking it easy.  2 Femaras, CD 3-7.  Hell, at this point, that's practically going on break.  Maybe I'll do the gross progesterone this time, maybe I won't.  I told the doctor no more IUI, no more shots, except the trigger I guess.  I still think this is all a waste of time.  Why fight my wonky tubes, when you can just go around them.

So, it's on to IVF.  Oh, and I guess I need to throw out all these pregnancy tests.

Get This Far

I met with the doctor on Friday.  It was a long, tough appointment, but I think I feel confident and much better after it.

I'm still digesting all of the crazy shit that is about to happen, namely IVF.

The truth is I never thought it would get this far.  When I was blissfully pregnant at 29 on my second try, I was on top of the world.  I did everything right, and I was never more happy.  The universe took that baby from me, and it took my tube.  I'm lucky I made it at all.  I know other women haven't been so lucky.

I never thought it would get this far.  I thought it might take a little longer.  I thought it might take some drugs.  I never thought I would be going to my tenth visit with an international infertility expert that I only got into via a code from a friend of a friend.  And I never thought I'd have my life planned to January.  All the way to January to do what comes so easy to everyone else.

No Nightmares

I only got up to pee twice last night.  And my dreams were very inappropriate, but kind of fun.  Negative test at 11DPO.  I guess we're going to have to do this all again.  Thanks, $2,200 IUI cycle with perfect numbers.  Also, fuck you universe.

I failed again.

More Nightmares

And I thought I couldn't get any less sexy.  From the sexy timed sex in the afternoon before he goes on a plane for a big business meeting, to the sexy waxy progesterone discharge, to looking like I'm three months pregnant for the entire last year.  It's just been awesome.

I had more nightmares last night.  Not as bad as last night when I hid from aliens, but still nightmares.  Scary ones about some real stuff involving work, and some involving a flood.  I think one involved a farm of some kind.  I got up to pee four times, but I guess I missed one because I fucking wet the bed.  Nice.  Nothing sexier than stripping sheets while drenched in sweat thinking aliens are coming.  Me and progesterone are NOT cool now.  It was not like this when I was pregnant for like five minutes forever ago.

I haven't wet the bed (sober) in adult memory.  Right when I thought this couldn't get worse.  Also I cheated and tested a little early.  It's 10DPO, and a big fat negative.  Awesome.

A Progesterone Nightmare

My love for progesterone is officially over.

I had a seriously jacked nightmare about my dog dying.  It involved a lot of blood and I could smell it and even hear the sounds.  I have a lot of dreams normally, but not like this.

So I woke up, sweating again, and I swear the whole bedroom was being lit up with blinking green light that was coming toward and I freaked out and panicked.  I took the dog into the toilet.  I guess I thought my sleeping Donor could handle the aliens himself LOL.  I still think the room might have really been green.  We live in an urban area, so it's possible.

I had to pee four times overnight.  I am sooo over this.

A COBRA Nightmare

I had a nightmare that I forgot to pay my $2,200/month COBRA.  I woke up sweating.  Then I started to think it might be real and had to go to my computer to check.

This would be really bad because we would be uninsured, which is always a nightmare in the US, but also I would lose my coverage for the last IUI cycle maybe?  And definitely for my IVF before the end of the year.

If I could I'd pay the rest of the year now.  That was scary.

Mothers and Mothers-In-Law

After going through the ringer for the last year or so, the person who has really stood out is my MIL.  She's the only one, actually.

My mom is too intense.  She has too much vested in this, she wants to talk about all the measurements and the rates and the numbers.  She needs this to work more than I do.  She wants to say how brave I am and all that.  And then she tells everyone in the whole fucking family.

We share an accountant, who had an IVF miracle baby way after 40 a couple years ago.  She told MY ACCOUNTANT that I am doing IVF, which (1) is none of her fucking business and (2) isn't even true yet!!!  It's just too much.  After that nonsense with the accountant, I told my mom that I wouldn't be telling her anymore specifics, and that I expected her to share her own constant health battles with other people, not mine.  Now that my dad has cancer, she is probably set.

But my MIL has been a rock.  After this last IUI, she just texted me "How are you feeling?"  And she meant it.  She cares, I can talk to her.  If she didn't have such a busy schedule or lived closer, I might take her to one of the appointments.  She gets it.  This weekend, during the 2WW, we drove way, way out to stay with them a weekend.  Because she gets it.

Progesterone

This is my first cycle on progesterone.  Vaginal suppositories.  Like pills with a tampon applicator.  I know, gross.  But I'll take it over more shots.  Bad part is, what goes in, must come out, and this is a gross leaky mess.  But I can live with that as well for a couple weeks.  Infertility already killed my sex life.

The very best part is this is the first fertility drug that hasn't made me CRAZY.  Like my hellish nightmares and panic on Clomid, or crying practically all the time on all these drugs.  Add in some work drama, and my dad having cancer, and life, and these drugs have not been ideal in timing.

When I Googled progesterone, some people said it was a natural anti-anxiety drug, or a natural anti-depressent.  Huh.  Isn't that neat?  So just when stress is at its worst, I think these drugs finally helped me feel better, and I'm very pleased with that.  I do feel calmer.  That "one with the universe" feeling I had when I was so briefly pregnant.  Of course, I'll never have that innocent happiness with pregnancy again, but I'll take this mother earth feeling for a couple weeks.  It's not bad.

Cost: Gonal F IUI Cycle

SCARY NUMBER POST.  I can't even say how grateful I am for my insurance.  It's COBRA, and I have gladly forked over $2,200/month for two of us in an IVF-coverage mandated state.  After my ectopic and subsequent disfiguring surgery, I lost a tube.  Thus, my insurance covers IVF after 6 "assisted" cycles, plus 4 IUIs, with a lifetime limit of $20,000.  Hooray!  I know, I am so lucky and so grateful.

But I'm scared when I lose this insurance in December.  And I'm scared that when I come back I'll have to pay this out of pocket.  So, let's look at this fun IUI cycle of expensive drugs and scans:



Each scan (there were three) was billed at $195.  Insurance paid $51.97 and I paid $15.  So, that's about $200 for three scans, way cheaper than I thought.

Blood work (twice) was billed at $180, insurance paid $75, I paid nothing.  That's $150.  Not so bad...

Office visit (one) was $208.23.  Insurance paid $84.59, I paid $15.  About $100.

For the IUI, washing sperm was billed at $190, insurance paid $110.20.

The IUI was billed at $190, and insurance paid $100 (WHOA!).  There was also a $30 Saturday fee I had to pay, plus $15, so $145.

The injectable Gonal F (I got one 300 pen and one 450) plus Ovidrel was $20, $20, $35 from me, insurance paid $808.89, $532.6, and $80.05.  That's $1496 total.  Holy crap.

The Femara would be about $100 without insurance, and the Endometrin would be about $6/day without insurance, so let's say $84.

That's $555 for the office visit scans, IUI and blood work, which sounds low?  The drugs would be $1680.   That's $2,235.20 for this one IUI cycle.

Gonal F and Femara

I'm now in the 2WW of my first injectible cycle.  150 Femara CD3-8, 100cc Gonal F CD8-trigger shot.  Other than the cost (it's over $100/100ccs!) and the sketchiness of the injections, and the extra scans (UGH), this doesn't feel much different.  Hell, I feel better on Gonal F than I did on Clomid.

My ovary with the working tube cooperated, and the IUI went well.  We had record numbers on all sides, with Donor Husband at 50M after wash.  I have a feeling for the first time in a long time that maybe this will work.  I guess this is called hope.

Job Troubles

My husband, I'll call him Donor Husband, had a serious work problem this week.  As in lawyers, bills, big, big problems.  I'm not sure what will happen, but things will never be the same.

He moped and cried and wouldn't talk.  He's really down.  And I was thinking that he was more upset about this than when our baby died and they ripped out a fallopian tube with it.  He was more upset about his stupid job than our baby.  He can get another job.  I'll never get that baby back, and I'll never get my body back.

Between this and my dad having cancer, it has been a really shitty month.  When I was crying on the phone with my mom, she said that this will obviously be the month I get pregnant, when I'm under so much stress and am in no position to handle it.

Cancer

My dad has cancer.  Of course, the timing is just great.  His surgery was during one of my (million) scans.  I am sure the stress of everything will screw up my first injectibles cycle (yay).  But what else can you do but keep trucking on?

Is This Your First Time?

The same ultrasound technician has shoved a giant camera up my hooha 12 times now.  Twelve times, she's said you'll feel my fingers and then BAM.  She's fast, and she's good.  Don't get me wrong, I have no quarrel with her work.  Today, she was chatting with the lady in front of me.  "Miha, this time it will work."  She patted her on the shoulder.

For me it was "Is this your first scan?"  She asks me this almost every time.  It's not.  It never will be.  It certainly won't be every other time you ask.  I'd rather her ask me "How are you doing?" or "Nice day, right?"  I don't need her to call me miha or actually know my name, but it would be nice to feel like a person.