Saturday, October 11, 2014
It Has to be ME ME ME
This post is hard to write because it's so selfish and bitchy and raw. But it has to be said because I feel it constantly. If the baby I thought I was going to have were alive, it would be, well, Prince George's age. And we all know that's old news. That's how long this has been.
I'm really close to my in-laws and we shared our wonderful news two days before our not so wonderful news with my sister-in-law and her then-fiance. They got married this summer. She is three years younger than me.
It has to be me. It's my turn. I was supposed to be first. I deserve to be first. My MIL will be over the moon with her own daughter's baby, but I need mine to be the first grandbaby. It should have been mine. It has to be ME!
I will be absolutely heartbroken if she gets pregnant before I do. I'm not saying that her husband isn't awesome or that she shouldn't make her own choices. If anything, my fuckery should show her not to take it for granted. But I can't even deal if I have been running in place all this time and she laps me.
I love her so much. She loves me so much. It's something we don't talk about at all. My MIL is like my best friend, so I know she knows, but I think she feels it too. We just don't say anything. It's just not fair. Life isn't fair. But surely life isn't THAT unfair. It just has to be me.