Christmas Hope

Many moons ago, Christmas 2012, I said to my husband that what I wanted for Christmas was to be pregnant next Christmas.  When Christmas 2013 rolled around, I said the same thing.   I just want to be pregnant for Christmas.

Christmas 2014 is coming soon.  Christmas music is already here.  I just ordered a Christmas scented candle.  I have waited for this Christmas gift for SO long.  If everything goes to plan, my first betas will be in the first few days of December, which would mean I could tell our immediate relatives at Christmas.  (No hiding anyway when you're in IVF yay).

In 2012, I believed I would be pregnant by Christmas.  I bought a Christmas baby onesie on sale (size 6 months), which I know will be triggering when I get the Christmas bins out, lawd knows it was last year.  In 2012, I believed I would be pregnant by Christmas, but in 2013, I didn't.  I didn't believe anything, I didn't buy anything, I didn't make any promises, I just held on for dear life.  I didn't allow myself to believe my wish.  I didn't allow myself to visualize my dream.  I squashed out all the hope.

This time, as I start IVF, I can feel the hope bubbling up in me again.  The kind of hope that makes me want to buy tiny Christmas stockings to announce my twins.  This is crazy.  This kind of hope has only hurt me, and it has only whiplashed back around into pain that brought me to my knees.  When it comes to this whole process, hope has only brought pain and suffering.  This time is going to be different.  I'm hoping, and I'm hoping and believing bigger than I ever have before.  I believe I'll have my twins this Christmas.  I can see it.  I can feel it.  I believe for this Christmas.