A New Diagnosis: RPL

My mood is completely somewhere else for IVF #2.  It's almost like I can't be bothered.  The women in the waiting room were very young, very blonde, and had nice nails.  You could feel that tension where if you make eye contact they will start crying.  A lady in a niqab came out of the payment area sobbing.  I know that feeling.  The last time I was at the RE office was for my March abortion.  Big contrast to my current energy, which is more like an observer.  I'm barely there. 

First step was hysteroscopy #3. My cervix doesn't like being messed with and the saline is some kind of torture.  If my sperm donor had to do this, we would never get pregnant. I should have gotten the valium, but I had no one to drive me.  More accurately, I did not want anyone to drive me.  I just wanted to be alone.  I thought that was the worst part, it wasn't.

Then came the doctor consult.  I got a new, fun diagnosis:  RPL.  Recurrent pregnancy loss.  My IVF chemical pregnancy with two perfect embryos, and then a spontaneous miscarriage two months later are a statistical improbability.  No shit.  I do everything 1%, I guess.

I zoned out at this point.  I didn't really respond or say much at all.  I wasn't even upset.  He said there were two things to look into: genetics (that's another post) and something about looking into a uterine abnormality, even though all the reports said perfect.  *shrug*  So now he wants the tape of my HSG from three years ago.  Luckily I made them give me a copy before I left.  I REALLY should have gotten the valium for that one.

Just one more thing I can't control.  I'd take my old diagnosis "secondary infertility: tubal cause" over RPL any day.  I regret every day that I carry the scars of RPL, because there is no way to come out of RPL unchanged.