My mood is completely somewhere else for IVF #2. It's almost like I can't be bothered. The women in the waiting room were very young, very blonde, and had nice nails. You could feel that tension where if you make eye contact they will start crying. A lady in a niqab came out of the payment area sobbing. I know that feeling. The last time I was at the RE office was for my March abortion. Big contrast to my current energy, which is more like an observer. I'm barely there.
First step was hysteroscopy #3. My cervix doesn't like being messed with and the saline is some kind of torture. If my sperm donor had to do this, we would never get pregnant. I should have gotten the valium, but I had no one to drive me. More accurately, I did not want anyone to drive me. I just wanted to be alone. I thought that was the worst part, it wasn't.
Then came the doctor consult. I got a new, fun diagnosis: RPL. Recurrent pregnancy loss. My IVF chemical pregnancy with two perfect embryos, and then a spontaneous miscarriage two months later are a statistical improbability. No shit. I do everything 1%, I guess.
I zoned out at this point. I didn't really respond or say much at all. I wasn't even upset. He said there were two things to look into: genetics (that's another post) and something about looking into a uterine abnormality, even though all the reports said perfect. *shrug* So now he wants the tape of my HSG from three years ago. Luckily I made them give me a copy before I left. I REALLY should have gotten the valium for that one.
Just one more thing I can't control. I'd take my old diagnosis "secondary infertility: tubal cause" over RPL any day. I regret every day that I carry the scars of RPL, because there is no way to come out of RPL unchanged.