Wednesday, June 24, 2015

I Can't Have Lupus

I have two new blood draws scheduled, and the doctor wants to send the results to some other doctor.  My IVF may or may not be on hold.  I will know in a few days, lupron is supposed to start next week.

I stopped googling the scary part about lupus, you know miscarriages and chronic pain and fatigue, and I start googling the symptoms and diagnosis, which are pretty much the same thing because there's no lab test for lupus.  So I'm not sure why I'm still getting a bunch of blood tests.  I've never really had any of the major symptoms of lupus -- fatigue, headaches, joint stiffness, butterfly rash.

But I have had some other the other symptom, like that bumpy heat rash I get all the time that I've never seen anyone else have.  Swollen joints.  Nose sore, mouth sores.  Muscles tired when I'm tired.

I'm psyching myself out.  Everyone's legs get tired when they are tired right?  Everyone gets a heat rash on the beach right?  Or if they wear a metal necklace outside in Las Vegas in summer.  Of course I don't have freaking lupus?  How can you have lupus without the main symptoms?  This is fucking ridiculous.  The whole thing is ridiculous.

Isn't it bad enough I've lost four embryos?  That one almost killed me?  That my dad has cancer.  That my sister in law has the first grandbaby with my due date.  That I feel like a constant failure and fraud.  That nobody gives a shit about my pathetic struggle.  That all my friends have had two babies already.  That I pushed my marriage to the brink with my failure and my insistence on five figures worth of medical intervention.  Do I really need a chronic, painful, uncurable condition on top of this?

Surely my sins are not so bad as to make me live in this constant state of mourning with everyone else's children.  And then to live in this two week wait for a diagnosis of a chronic illness.  God.  This two week wait is even worse.


  1. I definitely think not googling is in your favour right now. If you google a nosebleed it's easy to be convinced you're dying. It's scary but it's a good thing they are testing. If they can find something they can help you. Fingers crossed it's not lupus and something way less scary. <3

  2. I really, really hope it's not lupus. As you said, you haven't got the main symptoms, so hopefully there is some room for error there. Sending you much love.xx

  3. I also get a rash from metal in hot weather! I thought I was the only one.