I went to a baby shower I could not skip last week. Baby showers are so triggering, and someone spent a week on Pinterest for this one. Flowers in tiny baby rainboots. Multiple crossword puzzles. Number guessing. Prizes. Glass containers of pink custom popcorn. I had a few drinks. And then a few more.
A friend of a friend I see maybe 5-6 times a year came up to me. She had a six month old baby on her hip. Of course she did. And she asked it. A throwaway meaningless question at an event with a bunch of people who don't know each other. "So when are you guys going to have a baby?"
I snapped. Maybe it was wrong.
"Well, we are zero for four, so you tell me." *pause* "Did you see so and so's car! He must have gotten a big bonus!"
She cared a lot about that car all of a sudden. And so we talked about the car.
This strategy was risky, obviously. If I happened to pick someone who did IVF, or someone who froze their eggs before chemo, or just someone nosy, there is going to be some followup. I had to be ready to talk about all of it, which I was. I'm just so over all of this. It feels like discussing someone else's life now. Going rogue with honesty is asking for this feedback, which luckily I did not get.
I also opened myself up to gossip. At this point I don't care about that either. Anyone who gave a shit about me as a person would have already known about at least one of the four. I timeshifted this post because I was worried about backlash (especially for my sperm donor!!!). I was really worried people might ask him about it, and I know that would be awkward for him. But it seems like no one said shit. Maybe if you ask a rude question, you keep the TMI answer to yourself. Maybe she thought it was a joke!??!
I feel surprisingly free.
I've had these same thoughts and often battled with giving a snarky, "too real" answer instead of biting my tongue. It's so hard not to get frustrated and feel aggravated with the questioning, especially when you are trying and having no success. I sometimes think telling people the truth will make them feel uncomfortable and get them to shut up.I have yet to test the theory myself though.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, good for you for coming out with it.
ReplyDeleteIn my slightly younger and fertile days, I was guilty of asking stupid questions that I had no right to ask a woman. I don't know if any were silently telling me to fuck off in their head.
Speaking up is good for the soul.
Baby showers are definitely the hardest. If there is one thing I've learned through this journey it's to never ever ask anyone when they are going to have a (or another) child. I've been fairly open about my journey so I have had friends come to me and share their story but I never ask because I know much it sucks to hear that question.
ReplyDeleteI used to just said, "you'll have to ask my doctor."