Monday, June 1, 2015

Meh About Round #2

Doctor appointment Thursday for final checks to start a new fresh round.  I'm pretty calm, really.  I know logistically what is about to happen.  I have no control over that, and I'm not scared of needles anymore.

Mentally, maybe  I don't care, or I've checked out, but it has no power over me this time.  This time, it feels like getting new glasses, really annoying glasses that require fifteen office visits, a bunch of vagina checks, and a bunch of blood draws.  Just another errand, and I'll have to wait there forever.  I think I have already decided it will fail.  I am a planner type, not that you would know that because I so very rarely execute those plans.  But this time, I am expecting to end up at Plan M.  We're already at Plan G or something.

I have been too busy at work to sneeze, not to mention worry about IVF.  That helps.  I've been working out two hours a day.   I am doing something like dance/Zumba/spin in the morning, and yoga/pilates in the evening.  I am literally exhausting my body so I can't think about it.

Emotionally, everything I had is gone to Hermione who is magically pregnant with my due date with the first grandbaby.  That is all over Facebook.  That is all the family is talking about.  I think that took all the fucks I have to give.  I don't have any more emotions left for anyone's baby after mine died and hers lived.  Including mine, I'm pretty indifferent to that now too.

After my miscarriage, I heard shit from any of them.  I'm not saying I expected daily status checks, but a text might have been nice.  But why coddle a silly miscarriage when there is a real baby?  My position has been made loud and clear.

I think somewhere along the way I have made peace that this might never happen for me.  This is the end of the line for me.  I will try these fresh rounds.  Maybe take some out of the freezer.  No more after that.  I am not so stupid as to keep chasing death.  I am not overwhelmed at the prospect that I might never have a child.  It feels like death and suffering is the hand I have been dealt.  The hand I live with every day.   The more I fight it, the more I suffer.  So, here we go.  Round #2.

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