Thursday, September 17, 2015

No Zen for the Shower

My anxiety is increasing about this baby shower this weekend, the one that was supposed to be mine.  In the mail, I got a note to get a mammogram.  That means it has been a year since I escalated this journey to IVF.  A year, two pregnancies, three dead embryos.  Oh and the years dicking around almost dying before that.  My baby would be almost three years old.

I hate this.  I hate this for both of us.  I wish I could be what I should be, but I can't.

I'm tempted to send the damn gift and say I can't attend, because it's true.  I feel like I can't.  Over this journey, I've learned to remove myself from situations that will be too much to handle.  One year old's birthday parties.  Conversations about breast pumps.  Facebook.  Life.  I haven't been to a baby shower in two years, except work ones I couldn't skip, with acquantainces.

This will be the first time I am staring down my husband's gossipy, awful family in this context.  I want to hide.  My friend texted me that I am strong and brave and that I can do this.  But maybe I can't?  I can't even run in the back room and hide if it gets rough, because this is an awful relative hosting this at a place I've never been.  It's easier to handle kids than pregnant women for me.  Well, kids, then babies, then pregnant women.

I've been to a lot of yoga this week to try to center and zen or something.  But I keep going back to this mental image that she is hugely pregnant.  And I'm still here.


  1. I went to a baby shower three years ago and ended up crying almost hysterically. I politely declined all baby showers until my own this year.

    There is nothing wrong with declining baby invitations. Give yourself a break and don't put yourself through it.

  2. Honestly... I do not go to baby showers anymore. And I don't feel bad about it. If I were you I probably would not go. I know it's easy for me to say, and I don't know your family or circumstances, but really you have to look out for yourself first. Nobody else is going to look out for you so you have to do it. And if it's going to upset you and put you in a bad spot then just don't do it. That's my advice.