Easter dinner. Handled that one like a champ when I elegantly sobbed in a back room, because my baby is dead and she has my due date for the first grandbaby.
I had given her some thoughtful gifts at Easter, including some earrings with her baby's birthstone, but I never heard from her. I texted her about some other baby stuff people had given me that I obviously didn't need right now, and she didn't even respond. I guess it's for the best because my bad baby juju might catch via text or my bad juju things. You know, I live in a world where babies die. A lot.
We went to my in-laws for a few hours, actually on the way to somewhere else, and Hermione was there. I didn't know she was going to be there, but there was no way to prepare anyway.
She was beached flat on the sofa watching Family Fued. And there it was, the big old reminder that I SHOULD BE SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT. I didn't feel anything on the surface. That self-hate and grief is much deeper now, and I carry it around for later, taste some leftovers later when life starts to taste too sweet. I appeared cool, so I hope that helped everyone else's comfort level. Nobody said a word about any babies or heartbearts. Just like Easter. I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl.
First I beat myself up with all my failures. That's always fun. Why did I bring my mother in law when there would be no heartbeart? Hermione and I had talked about a joint baby shower. Oh god, do I still have to go to that shower? What kind of god would want that? She is really having the first grandbaby. I bet they were talking about the nursery or something until I walked in. At least I didn't end up thinking about all my sins that made me deserve this.
And then I found my thoughts in a new space. Cattiness. I'm not saying I'm proud, but this is where my thoughts went. Middle school girl cattiness. We are on fire at work, and they are struggling. They can't even afford for her to take her FMLA leave. Her baby daddy is in a nasty custody battle, and has been since she met him. I don't even know how they have room for a baby in their place. And their baby gets to live.
Hermione was always a big girl, and pregnancy really did a number on her. I've been working out two hours a day. I almost have visible arm muscles, though obviously my yoga zen is not working. Her legs were swollen like someone from My 600 lb Life. Her jaw was swollen into her neck, she was so sweaty. And she's got two more months to go! She didn't even get off the couch when guests came in. She looked like warmed over hell. Somehow that made me feel better. But not good enough to talk to her.
And then I felt worse. This is obviously going to get worse before it gets better. I can redirect my thoughts away to neutral topics, but I don't know how I can get myself to a positive place when my thoughts return to it. And now I really wish I had never seen that heartbeat and that baby was just some wondfos and some blooddraws and a better luck next time. Every time I see that video on my phone it knocks the wind out of me. Clearly, I need to work on my thoughts with this one, and I need to do it now. I just don't see how her pregnancy can mean anything but "I'm sorry, but there's no heartbeat."