tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6136317243086694706.post2692127640667907552..comments2023-09-20T17:40:13.752-07:00Comments on Patient Subfertility: HermionePatient Subfertilityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02818601338460813290noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6136317243086694706.post-91274177054607004602015-08-12T06:17:26.025-07:002015-08-12T06:17:26.025-07:00Good and scary thoughts. I think it's probabl...Good and scary thoughts. I think it's probably better that I don't say what I mean. In the 10 years of infertility we've slogged through, the anger ebbs and flows and the bitterness it can cause either is let go (usually) or festers for a bit, and then I let it go because I can't live a bitter life. I just really identified with this post, because it is something I'm going through, too. And none of my friends, even my close ones, get it. At all. I was slightly upset at our failed FET last month and was chastised pretty liberally for 'doubting' God. That burns. And still does. And then my SIL announced her pregnancy on Facebook with a picture of her belly and her marathon time. 2 slugs in the gut in one go. I should be used to it. But it still burns.<br />I don't plan on staying long in the infertility community. We have 1 more FET this October then we are out of embryos and I'm done. If we didn't have our embryos yet, I would have left long ago. I'm resigned in many ways, but the hurt of loss (the loss of fertility, the loss of each child) never goes away, at least not for me. There are no replacement children, biological or adopted, for the ones you lose. There just aren't. There will always be a massive hole in my heart. Most of the time I live with it pretty well. Sometimes it hurts more than I can deal with and I want to lash out at the fertiles I'm surrounded by (no, seriously, all my friends have like 5 kids minimum - I wish I was kidding). I'd rather be angry than desperately ache for my babies. Thanks for letting me vent here. Katenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6136317243086694706.post-81371347235717155762015-08-11T17:24:25.643-07:002015-08-11T17:24:25.643-07:00Wordpress says start again. Do it anonymously. S...Wordpress says start again. Do it anonymously. Say what you mean! Though maybe it's too late? Maybe the bitterness never goes away? I'm not sure.<br /><br />These feelings sound horrible to write out, but they are worse to make a toxic angry stew inside where I could tell no one. Sending it out into the strange silence of the internet is the only thing I know. That and punching and crying at bootcamp.Patient Subfertilityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02818601338460813290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6136317243086694706.post-66580062817714770102015-08-11T14:59:06.781-07:002015-08-11T14:59:06.781-07:00Sorry, lurker here. By way of intro: Lost triplets...Sorry, lurker here. By way of intro: Lost triplets one at a time at 21 weeks, 22.5 weeks, and last was born at 24 weeks 2 days & lived in the NICU for 2 weeks until we had to take him off of life support. Also several miscarriages, failed IVFs & latest a failed FET last month. 2 kiddos by way of domestic infant adoption. Spent roughly 100k to get to this point. <br />All of that to say, I totally am with you. Except my sister in law, 6 months pregnant with her second, just f-Ing ran a marathon. Weighs maybe 100 lbs now. Everyone talks about how not thin I am when we get together. Her & bro-in-law are completely irritating & don't even take care of their 6yo son. He is being taken care of by my MIL who is terminally ill with breast cancer. She can't even get out of bed, but they dropped kid 1 off earlier this summer & haven't looked back - they live in another state. I can't even blog about it because of course I was an idiot & never believed we'd live thru the hell we have, so when I started my blog 10 years ago, I gave all my real life peeps the address. Now I'm stuck either blogging and pissing everyone off and looking (more) pathetic/bitter, or sucking it up and keeping my mouth shut. I take care of my kiddos & they die. They don't take care of theirs & get preggo easily. The universe hates me. Katenoreply@blogger.com