Sunday, August 30, 2015

A Storm of Showers

I'm looking at two baby shower invitations.  One for Hermione.  The one that should have been our joint shower.  The other for a fancy cousin of my sperm donor's who I didn't even know was pregnant.  Always a fun surprise flipping through bills to find another joyous pregnancy for someone else.

Fancypants is registered at Pottery Barn kids for things like a plush elephant rug.  Hermione is registered for diapers and breast pads.

Both showers are being hosted by my least favorite, most pushy family member.  I don't even care anymore.  If she's up in my face, I'll tell her the babies are dead.  It's true.

Mercifully, I am out of town for Fancypants's shower.  I thought about making up a trip for Hermione's, or even calling her and explaining.  Surely she would understand?  But my mom said I have to go.  She said she will come in so we can go together and leave early.  Mom said she will even make up the excuse.  Definitely going to be leaving early.  I hate it when mom is right.

I was digging through my desk to find a card to send to Fancypants and I found the ultrasound photos.  And I just lost it.  I started weeping like an insane person.  My whole diaphagm was shaking and I was overwhelmed with loss, sadness, hopelessness.  I  could feel the sadness squeezing on my chest.  I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

I thought I was doing OK.  I had at least stopped thinking about it.  But the truth is, this might never happen for me.  I still have to meet with two specialist doctors before the FET because of my blood issues, and I haven't even made the calls to do it.  I've just been carrying Lovenox on planes so I don't get a bloodclot and die.  Eight of them now, TSA didn't even blink, but they did take my water bottle.  Fun fact, there's almost always a sharps disposal at airport bathrooms!

I'm scared to even have a FET because I already know the baby will die.  And it will try to take me with it in whatever crazy ass new way I haven't encountered yet.   I'll never be a happy pregnant lady at a baby shower with a bunch of annoying relatives.  I'll always live in fear of death.  If I can ever even make it that far.

Sperm donor has thrown out the idea of a FET in January, but he seems indifferent really.  And me, I'm pure fear.  Oh, and all this jealousy and sadness.


  1. I think you are so brave going to the shower and it is wonderful of your mum to offer to make the excuse and basically support you through it. I have been reading a few bloggers lately who have some blood clotting issues (sorry I don't know your whole story) and I am hearing stories about how with the right meds to support you through it that children are possible. Like I said, I don't know your story so sorry if I'm passing on info that isn't relevant or correct for your situation. This whole journey is full of so much sadness and pain for so many people. It is heartbreaking.

    1. I'm not sure I know my story either until I actually go to the doctors...

  2. I can't even express how insanely proud of you I am for deciding to go to that shower. I would have planned out how to burn the whole place down. You are a strong lady.

    Stay strong. Make those fucking appointments. And see about an FET in January. I'm not ready to give up on you. <3

    1. I don't feel strong. And I don't want to go. :(