I'm looking at two baby shower invitations. One for Hermione. The one that should have been our joint shower. The other for a fancy cousin of my sperm donor's who I didn't even know was pregnant. Always a fun surprise flipping through bills to find another joyous pregnancy for someone else.
Fancypants is registered at Pottery Barn kids for things like a plush elephant rug. Hermione is registered for diapers and breast pads.
Both showers are being hosted by my least favorite, most pushy family member. I don't even care anymore. If she's up in my face, I'll tell her the babies are dead. It's true.
Mercifully, I am out of town for Fancypants's shower. I thought about making up a trip for Hermione's, or even calling her and explaining. Surely she would understand? But my mom said I have to go. She said she will come in so we can go together and leave early. Mom said she will even make up the excuse. Definitely going to be leaving early. I hate it when mom is right.
I was digging through my desk to find a card to send to Fancypants and I found the ultrasound photos. And I just lost it. I started weeping like an insane person. My whole diaphagm was shaking and I was overwhelmed with loss, sadness, hopelessness. I could feel the sadness squeezing on my chest. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.
I thought I was doing OK. I had at least stopped thinking about it. But the truth is, this might never happen for me. I still have to meet with two specialist doctors before the FET because of my blood issues, and I haven't even made the calls to do it. I've just been carrying Lovenox on planes so I don't get a bloodclot and die. Eight of them now, TSA didn't even blink, but they did take my water bottle. Fun fact, there's almost always a sharps disposal at airport bathrooms!
I'm scared to even have a FET because I already know the baby will die. And it will try to take me with it in whatever crazy ass new way I haven't encountered yet. I'll never be a happy pregnant lady at a baby shower with a bunch of annoying relatives. I'll always live in fear of death. If I can ever even make it that far.
Sperm donor has thrown out the idea of a FET in January, but he seems indifferent really. And me, I'm pure fear. Oh, and all this jealousy and sadness.