Hermione's shower is in two weeks. I bought her some ridiculous $200 present. I have plans to make some crafty stupid bow with the baby's name. I ordered a silly knit hat for a newborn photo op. I ordered some newborn booties with her sports team on them.
Looking at that present feels like looking at someone laughing at me. I moved it in the closet, and I can still hear it laughing at me. I can see the silly games with melted candy bar in a diaper, I know the questions.
I am filled with ANXIETY when I think about this. Anxiety with all caps. Because I don't share my grief with people I barely know, and
even if I did, someone else's baby shower is not right. I know the
questions are coming from a good place. And, hell, maybe I won't get
them. I know at least some of this struggle has been in the gossip mill
for a long time.
I feel this urge to RUN AWAY and not
go to this shower. It just so unfair. I don't want to face it, I don't
want to talk about it. I am already freaking out at the concept of
people cooing and gushing over her pregnancy, at what should have been
our joint shower. HA. I should have known better than to tempt the
universe with that one. Of course that will never happen for me.
is going to think I'm a total bitch for leaving early, but I don't
care. To survive, this one is going to have to be quick.