Hermione's shower is in two weeks. I bought her some ridiculous $200 present. I have plans to make some crafty stupid bow with the baby's name. I ordered a silly knit hat for a newborn photo op. I ordered some newborn booties with her sports team on them.Looking at that present feels like looking at someone laughing at me. I moved it in the closet, and I can still hear it laughing at me. I can see the silly games with melted candy bar in a diaper, I know the questions.
I am filled with ANXIETY when I think about this. Anxiety with all caps. Because I don't share my grief with people I barely know, and even if I did, someone else's baby shower is not right. I know the questions are coming from a good place. And, hell, maybe I won't get them. I know at least some of this struggle has been in the gossip mill for a long time.
I feel this urge to RUN AWAY and not go to this shower. It just so unfair. I don't want to face it, I don't want to talk about it. I am already freaking out at the concept of people cooing and gushing over her pregnancy, at what should have been our joint shower. HA. I should have known better than to tempt the universe with that one. Of course that will never happen for me.
Everyone is going to think I'm a total bitch for leaving early, but I don't care. To survive, this one is going to have to be quick.
My heart aches for you just thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteDo what is best for you. It's really important to take care of yourself. She should understand. You aren't a total bitch... you're just trying to survive.
ReplyDeleteListen, you can only do what you can do. In my opinion you've done enough to show kindness by buying the present, etc. etc. This is really hard for you, it's touching a really raw nerve. I'm sure most people will understand. And those who don't, well, tough, they haven't been through what you have, so who are they to judge. Just be kind to yourself. Sending you lots of hugs.xx
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