Tuesday, October 20, 2015

What Infertility Has Taught me.

Hermione had her baby, and then Fancypants had hers.  I got left out of the casserole duties that were rotating.  You know, that unpleasantness, which clearly everyone knows.

It's mindblowing to me that all this time so many people have known I was in pain and said nothing.  Instead of compassion, they just talk behind my back.  I guess on the plus side, I don't have to make enchiladas.  Not that there was a right thing to say, and not that it would have helped, but I wish someone said something, especially my in-laws.

Now, after fighting this burden, I know what to do.  Even when I don't know what to do.

My friend's mom died last month.  I don't live near this friend anymore, but definitely a friend.  I don't know how it feels to lose your mom.  I never even met her mom.  But I knew what the correct response was.  It was what I would have wanted all of these staring family members to do, acknowledge it.  I sent her a text.  It said "I am so sorry."  I mailed her a physical card.  It was two sentences and said I was thinking of her and I was sorry.  I sent her a couple more texts, just that I was thinking of her and I was sorry.

A month later, I sent her a similar text.  You know, right when everyone else had moved on.  And she texted me back that my texts had meant so much to her.  You know, those texts she didn't even respond to.  Those texts didn't say anything profound or helpful.   They weren't Maya Angelou quotes or advice from someone who has been there.  My words could not bring her mom back, or help her work through her shit, or even say I get it, those words just said I was there and I heard her.

"I'm thinking of you."  is such a powerful text.  It is POWERFUL to say I have heard your pain and I am connected to you.  We are all connected, and sometimes that connection is what someone needs in a very dark time.  Because to all my infertility sisters, I am thinking of you and I am so sorry.


  1. Wow. You've nailed it to the head. Your words may not have been profound, but your actions were. Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. And thank you. I am thinking of you, too, and I am so sorry.xx

  2. That's such a bittersweet post. I had a friend who lost her baby, before birth, 9 days overdue. Every day for six weeks I text her. She had another baby, who aged 5 became ill with leukemia. Again I text, even though there was no response. She never really thanked me, but hey. Then when her daughter recovered she tagged me constantly in her fb pics, look how long her hair is now, look at this look at that. And I'm like, I'm so glad she is recovered, but you know what, you have a daughter and I don't, so I went quiet... She dropped me from fb a while back, and that's fine, it's something of a relief.
    I'm sorry I haven't been around. I see the babies have arrived, and send you hugs. I have yet another niece or nephew-shaped bump on the horizon...
    I so wish things were working out differently for you. And I do, too, think of you often.

  3. if you ever need someone to chat with or anything you can email me any time christianeelizabeth@gmail.com <3

  4. I couldn't have said it better myself. Yu too should I know I think of you often and I too am so so sorry <3