Life Kicking Me Around

It's been a tough couple weeks for me.  I feel like life just keeps kicking me and kicking me and kicking me.

Still haven't heard from the insurance appeal. 

My period screwed up, and the Wondfos I bought to start IVF are all gone. This will be my FIFTH PACK of wondfos.  That's 250 pregnancy tests.  Maybe 10 actually said what I wanted them to at the right time.

One of Sperm Donor's bros accidentally got a girl pregnant on a one night stand when he was out of town, and he won't even go see the baby.  He knew about some of our struggles, and yet this douche canoe told us this anyway-- as if he had a frat brother a state over he hadn't seen in a while.  It visually upset my sperm donor.  Sperm Donor walked out, very dramatic and out of character.  I think Sperm Donor might have finally gotten a taste of how I feel constantly.  This might be the first friend he loses over this.

I got completely left out of a girls' event that meant a lot to me, and I am so sad about it.  My bridesmaid uninvited me and didn't even tell me to my face or warn me.  I feel so left out and HURT.  But I get it.  I'm a bummer and a failure and I've spent a whole year running from reality.  I get it.  Single girls and glowing pregnant ladies are way more fun.

This is why I wish I had been more careful with who I told.  Here we are years later, and it's the awkward topic no one wants to mention.  I wish back on IUI #6 when I thought I needed some support that I had just kept my mouth shut.  If I had known that it would follow me around for years and fuck with my friendships, I would have kept it to myself.

I went to three weddings in a row, and everyone was pregnant.  I guess that's normal in your early-mid thirties, it's just me who can't figure this out.  They'll probably all pop back from their honeymoons pregnant too.

Another friend emailed me she was pregnant, and I didn't even respond with my canned response.  I just cried.  Ugly cried.

I finally called the MFM specialist and I can't get in until February, if they even agree to take me.  I can't even start an FET cycle until that.

You win, life, I give up.  None of this is going to work.  I can keep fighting, scheduling, write checks, but I can't fight fate.  This is bigger than me, and my pain and effort mean nothing and have no power.  It's not up to me, it's not up the the doctors.  At some point I have to face the truth.

Hermione is due in a couple weeks, and I'm still here.