A friend emailed me that she won't be at our mutual friend's wedding at the end of September because she will be six months pregnant. I wouldn't know anything about being six months pregnant, but I guess you can't fly? She wanted me to find out from her. I appreciated that. Getting blindsided by a Facebook post or at the wedding is way worse. I am so grateful for the heads up.
I got the email walking into a boot camp. Thank god it was bootcamp and not yoga. I was actually crying, but nobody could tell because it was so sweaty and punchy and hard. I didn't do my best at bootcamp, but I'm not in top form anyway, and I was crying. In yoga, I would have thought about it the whole time, way worse. In bootcamp, you just cry and punch.
And then on the way home, I was just crying in the car. It's not that I'm angry for her. These thoughts actually have nothing to do with her. They're about me. And everyone else passing me by. These feelings are all about me. The email that popped into my head as a response was: "Well, we're zero for four now, so that's a fun development since we last talked. The last one had a heartbeat. Maybe yours will have better luck!"
I'll have to wait a day to respond. Blah blah good luck. Blah blah great mother. Blah blah so happy for you. I need to just write this email once so I can send an autoreply.
We have been trying for almost a year, and I am having a procedure to finally get some answers. I may not be in the same spot you are but I know exactly how you feel about everyone passing you. It's not that you can't be happy for other couples or that you aren't, it's absolutely that you are so angry at yourself. You explained it perfectly.
ReplyDeleteYes. So angry at myself. At the universe. At how unfair all of it is.
DeleteThat's actually a really great idea to have the email drafted and saved. That would have saved me from writing 1,000 hard emails in the last 2.5 years. Sigh. Totally get it. Wish I had something intelligent to say to help you feel better but there are no words. Just know there's others out there that get it. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome to use mine. It's the best I could do without sounding totally depressed or angry without lying.
DeleteI think having an email saved is smart. It took us 5 years so by the end I was pretty good at compartmentalizing my hatred for all things pregnant. The worst is people who say things like "maybe we should hang out and you can catch the pregnant cos I'm pregnant again with my fourth surprise baby!" yeahhhh fuck you.
ReplyDeletehugs, friend.
I'd like to think writing that out would make you feel like a complete asshole. This garbage spews out of people's mouths constantly, but never in writing.
DeleteThis was a really thoughtful, nice email. It was a nice gesture, it was the correct thing to do. She did everything right, but my response isn't about her.