Monday, January 19, 2015

Still Wandering

I'm still wandering.  Now I'm in another city with a childhood friend.  I agreed to go engagement ring shopping with her, and it was great fun for at least the first three hours to be thinking about something else, be somewhere else, and be in beautiful luxurious retail settings where the lighting is gorgeous, and everyone is so nice.  Not unlike the IVF clinic.

Then, my period started in a lovely bathroom with embossed toilet paper, a week late.  I used three Wondfos in the last week to make sure I was still cool to drink even though I was not hopeful.  Nothing like that is going to happen to me.  40 Wondfos left.  I was cold and fed up, and it felt so meaningless to be shopping for this stupid piece of jewelry for so much money.  I got engaged with a ring bought on the beach in Mexico for $1.

Later that night we had a real talk.  I said it was weird that I've been here a few days and we haven't talked about the obvious thing.  You know, failed IVF.  She said it was weird too, but she didn't know what to do, she didn't know if I wanted to talk about it.  And then she said I was strong.

I'm not so sure I believe that.  I don't feel strong.  I feel red hot anger and jealousy.  I don't feel strong.  I feel like running away.  To Vegas.  To somewhere.

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