It's Friday night, three days after retrieval. Nobody bothered to call me. I guess the embryos are still mostly alive, I hope? I guess I'm not doing a Day 3 transfer? If I'm doing a Day 5, maybe they'll call then? Not like this is important or anything. Well, hope all but two didn't die. Have a fun weekend!
I'm still really, super sore. I can't really bend over or fold in any manner. My belly is still WAY swollen in a particular way that just looks pregnant, and it hurts. I couldn't even wear two different pairs of yoga pants because they were digging in too much. Yoga pants!
I got the rejection letter from the insurance company and channeled my rage and pain into a superbitchy letter that I think was pretty effective. I pulled all my regs and policies and records. Obviously, I'll look at this when I'm not on hydrocodone and wine, but I think I have a shot. After all, the plan advertises that it covers infertility! How can you both cover infertility and also exclude all infertility treatment? WTF. Why would have all these checklists about how to qualify for IVF if IVF is never covered? Ridiculous. I need more wine.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Feeling Better Day After Retrieval
22 eggs, 20 mature, 17 fertilized and made it through the night. That's better than last time! That means we are on plan for CSS genetic testing and freeze all.
I can breathe again, so crisis is averted. I can still feel the fluid in my abdomen, like a really uncomfortable swelling that makes me look pregnant, but my ankles look normal and I can breathe. Hooray! It will be a while until that swelling goes down, and I can wear pants with buttons.
I guess my emergency measures worked. I drank 6 liters of Gatorade. (The Latin flavors weren't stocked anywhere, boo, so I ended up with red, yellow, dark blue and light blue. Light blue is awful FYI.) I ate four huge packs of sunflower seeds, buffalo ranch flavor, the best. I don't eat crap like this usually, but of course if you want a baby you eat crap and don't work out, that totally makes sense. I drank an organic protein shake, but threw most of it up. I even took some Lovenox after reading scary shit about clots and OHSS
Thank god for hydrocodone. I only took four pills yesterday, and today I've got nowhere to be, so I'm going to take some more pain pills and try to do some work slowly and badly. I'll need to go back and check those emails LOL. Also, watch some real housewives I saved for post-surgery recovery, but I was in too much pain yesterday to even watch TV.
I signed up for a slow flow yoga class on Friday. I will see if I am feeling up to that. My goal for this gap, while the babies are in the freezer, is to work out. I don't have any excuses. I need to be in the best shape of my life. Working out two hours a day was doing wonders for my body and my mind, and I have a month or so to keep that up, once I feel like my body can handle it. I need to get my yoga on point so I'm ready for pregnancy yoga, and I just need to get my body together. Did I mention I'm a huge fan of Classpass? For now, I'm listening to my body. Maybe tomorrow my body will want some wine.
I guess my emergency measures worked. I drank 6 liters of Gatorade. (The Latin flavors weren't stocked anywhere, boo, so I ended up with red, yellow, dark blue and light blue. Light blue is awful FYI.) I ate four huge packs of sunflower seeds, buffalo ranch flavor, the best. I don't eat crap like this usually, but of course if you want a baby you eat crap and don't work out, that totally makes sense. I drank an organic protein shake, but threw most of it up. I even took some Lovenox after reading scary shit about clots and OHSS
Thank god for hydrocodone. I only took four pills yesterday, and today I've got nowhere to be, so I'm going to take some more pain pills and try to do some work slowly and badly. I'll need to go back and check those emails LOL. Also, watch some real housewives I saved for post-surgery recovery, but I was in too much pain yesterday to even watch TV.
I signed up for a slow flow yoga class on Friday. I will see if I am feeling up to that. My goal for this gap, while the babies are in the freezer, is to work out. I don't have any excuses. I need to be in the best shape of my life. Working out two hours a day was doing wonders for my body and my mind, and I have a month or so to keep that up, once I feel like my body can handle it. I need to get my yoga on point so I'm ready for pregnancy yoga, and I just need to get my body together. Did I mention I'm a huge fan of Classpass? For now, I'm listening to my body. Maybe tomorrow my body will want some wine.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Pull Up Painfully to Retrieve It
Dear lawd, my second IVF retrieval was WAAAAAY more painful than the first. At the scan two days ago, the doctor said it was because of how my left ovary is wedged low next to my uterus? Uh, ok, doc. I was like a frazzled raw nerve of pain last night. I couldn't move. I could barely make it up the stairs to the bedroom. I was actually looking forward to the surgery because it might take away the pain. HA.
When I came to, it felt like my abdomen was split open. And I puked my guts out, which makes me three for three in the recovery room. I had asked for the post-op instructions before surgery, but nope. I got them hunched over a trashcan in a fetal position. Even then I knew they were wrong. Sperm donor had no idea what was happening, like usual. I have been through a diverse rainbow of gynecological pain, and this was the worst. THIS IS A FREEZE ALL. Do you people not read the charts? Keep your progesterone. I need PAINKILLERS. They were $30 out of pocket. Thanks, insurance.
And then I was thinking how colossally unfair this is. This isn't how I wanted any of this to go. This isn't how I wanted my baby to be made. With my sperm donor looking at some gross porn at 7AM, me puking my guts out. With much needed painkillers. Not being able to sit up. And we will probably be out five figures at the end of this anyway. In a fucking stirrup surgery chair with seven people in the room. I didn't need a honeymoon in Paris, but god our bed sounded nice.
The anaethesiologist looked just like Dr. McStuffins. I didn't think that hair was even possible on an adult human. I would have laughed, but I just didn't care, and it seemed kind of rude to comment on it. Oh, and I was in so much pain, I didn't care. It took like five tries to get the IV in my hand, didn't care. In the meantime, they did some, uh, washing down there. Like 2 liters of water worth, really getting in those folds. Where was the water going? That was weird. Sorry my laser hair removal was reversed last cycle. They put some stickers on my chest. How did they even get to my chest? I think I was supposed to be out. And then cold lube and a speculum and then I was gone.
They didn't tell me how many eggs or anything, guess there's nothing I can do about it anyway. Last time was 29 eggs, and this time doesn't seem any different, except the PAIN. Maybe they'll call tomorrow. Not like this is a big deal or anything.
Now, I have some new symptoms. My shoulders hurt like a mother. Not like laproscopic hurt, like throbbing. I can't breathe. I can't pee. My ribcage feels tight like I can't breathe all the way in. And now, I think I am showing signs of the dreaded OHSS. So here I am drinking Gatorade. Protein shakes. Lots of fluids. I'm done with doctors, I'm done with this. No way I'm going to the hospital unless I have no choice.
And that brings me full circle to the beauty of the freeze all. I almost wish I'd done this in the first place. I chose to beat my body up this badly (again). But there's no reason I have to also get pregnant in this sad state. A freeze all takes so much pressure off. For now, I'm just hoping to pee again. More Gatorade, please.
When I came to, it felt like my abdomen was split open. And I puked my guts out, which makes me three for three in the recovery room. I had asked for the post-op instructions before surgery, but nope. I got them hunched over a trashcan in a fetal position. Even then I knew they were wrong. Sperm donor had no idea what was happening, like usual. I have been through a diverse rainbow of gynecological pain, and this was the worst. THIS IS A FREEZE ALL. Do you people not read the charts? Keep your progesterone. I need PAINKILLERS. They were $30 out of pocket. Thanks, insurance.
And then I was thinking how colossally unfair this is. This isn't how I wanted any of this to go. This isn't how I wanted my baby to be made. With my sperm donor looking at some gross porn at 7AM, me puking my guts out. With much needed painkillers. Not being able to sit up. And we will probably be out five figures at the end of this anyway. In a fucking stirrup surgery chair with seven people in the room. I didn't need a honeymoon in Paris, but god our bed sounded nice.
The anaethesiologist looked just like Dr. McStuffins. I didn't think that hair was even possible on an adult human. I would have laughed, but I just didn't care, and it seemed kind of rude to comment on it. Oh, and I was in so much pain, I didn't care. It took like five tries to get the IV in my hand, didn't care. In the meantime, they did some, uh, washing down there. Like 2 liters of water worth, really getting in those folds. Where was the water going? That was weird. Sorry my laser hair removal was reversed last cycle. They put some stickers on my chest. How did they even get to my chest? I think I was supposed to be out. And then cold lube and a speculum and then I was gone.They didn't tell me how many eggs or anything, guess there's nothing I can do about it anyway. Last time was 29 eggs, and this time doesn't seem any different, except the PAIN. Maybe they'll call tomorrow. Not like this is a big deal or anything.
Now, I have some new symptoms. My shoulders hurt like a mother. Not like laproscopic hurt, like throbbing. I can't breathe. I can't pee. My ribcage feels tight like I can't breathe all the way in. And now, I think I am showing signs of the dreaded OHSS. So here I am drinking Gatorade. Protein shakes. Lots of fluids. I'm done with doctors, I'm done with this. No way I'm going to the hospital unless I have no choice.
And that brings me full circle to the beauty of the freeze all. I almost wish I'd done this in the first place. I chose to beat my body up this badly (again). But there's no reason I have to also get pregnant in this sad state. A freeze all takes so much pressure off. For now, I'm just hoping to pee again. More Gatorade, please.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Stim Day #8
God, I'm in pain. I forgot how bad this feels. Seriously, whose idea was this?
My poor ovaries are way enlarged, like over 20 eggs again large. They feel swollen and raw, like exposed nerves. Like when I move, I risk an electric feeling shooting pain that takes me down immediately. And they've enlisted my lower back too, so that feels like the worst kind of period cramps all the time.
When my sperm donor stumbled in drunk at 4AM, I couldn't get back to sleep at all. I was just thinking about how much pain this is. It just radiated electric pain and dull throbbing pain, sometimes both.
Ovaries this swollen feeling is like wearing shoes two sizes too small. Maybe if you stay still you don't actively notice, but if you move, it gets even worse. And it feels like there is a clear solution, TAKE OFF THE SHOES. MUST TAKE OFF THE SHOES. But that will take a few days, and I know it gets worse before it gets better. And this feels worse. It feels unnatural, dangerous even. It feels off balance. It stings with electric, raw nerve pain. It doesn't feel right.
I accidentally threw away my vial of Lupron yesterday, so I got to dig through a bag of kitchen trash this morning. Thankfully it wasn't trash day. Doubled over in pain, going through gross stuff, I was crying again. This is when you know you are a mother, when you will do anything for this baby (well embryos #10 - #?) including fold your stupidly painful ovaries digging though old yogurt and leftover chinese. I need a nap.
My poor ovaries are way enlarged, like over 20 eggs again large. They feel swollen and raw, like exposed nerves. Like when I move, I risk an electric feeling shooting pain that takes me down immediately. And they've enlisted my lower back too, so that feels like the worst kind of period cramps all the time.
When my sperm donor stumbled in drunk at 4AM, I couldn't get back to sleep at all. I was just thinking about how much pain this is. It just radiated electric pain and dull throbbing pain, sometimes both.
Ovaries this swollen feeling is like wearing shoes two sizes too small. Maybe if you stay still you don't actively notice, but if you move, it gets even worse. And it feels like there is a clear solution, TAKE OFF THE SHOES. MUST TAKE OFF THE SHOES. But that will take a few days, and I know it gets worse before it gets better. And this feels worse. It feels unnatural, dangerous even. It feels off balance. It stings with electric, raw nerve pain. It doesn't feel right.
I accidentally threw away my vial of Lupron yesterday, so I got to dig through a bag of kitchen trash this morning. Thankfully it wasn't trash day. Doubled over in pain, going through gross stuff, I was crying again. This is when you know you are a mother, when you will do anything for this baby (well embryos #10 - #?) including fold your stupidly painful ovaries digging though old yogurt and leftover chinese. I need a nap.
Friday, July 17, 2015
FREEZE ALL Stim Day #7
This morning I went in for a scan. It wasn't my doctor, so when she was probing me and telling me about my lining, I told her it was a freeze all so that didn't matter so much. What a difference. Obviously, for genetic testing, it has to be a freeze all, but I hadn't thought about what that meant to me.
This time last IVF cycle, I was a damn mess. I had been madly googling scary stories about OHSS and pregnancy. Don't do that before your IVF, please. This exact scan was much scarier. This time, I feel pretty chill about it. Aside from the occasional insane thoughts that this medicine keeps putting in my head, I feel pretty calm now. If shit goes left, they can give me real drugs.
There are a couple differences this time. I know what is happening. I'm not scared of needles. I know what is about to happen. I have tried to make myself feel like I am doing something by buying gatorade and following the rules. I believe I will get eggs. I believe they will do something. And then they will all die one way or another, but I am kind of at peace with that too.
The FREEZE ALL is a big difference. I am clearly in no emotional state to be impregnated next week. Biopsies take a few weeks, gearing up for FET takes a month or two? Anyway, nothing is going to happen next week that I can control. The babies are just going to the freezer. This feels like a lot less pressure. It makes me wonder if I had said I wanted to freeze all last time if maybe the results would have been better?
Surgery on Tuesday for now. Soon.
This time last IVF cycle, I was a damn mess. I had been madly googling scary stories about OHSS and pregnancy. Don't do that before your IVF, please. This exact scan was much scarier. This time, I feel pretty chill about it. Aside from the occasional insane thoughts that this medicine keeps putting in my head, I feel pretty calm now. If shit goes left, they can give me real drugs.
There are a couple differences this time. I know what is happening. I'm not scared of needles. I know what is about to happen. I have tried to make myself feel like I am doing something by buying gatorade and following the rules. I believe I will get eggs. I believe they will do something. And then they will all die one way or another, but I am kind of at peace with that too.
The FREEZE ALL is a big difference. I am clearly in no emotional state to be impregnated next week. Biopsies take a few weeks, gearing up for FET takes a month or two? Anyway, nothing is going to happen next week that I can control. The babies are just going to the freezer. This feels like a lot less pressure. It makes me wonder if I had said I wanted to freeze all last time if maybe the results would have been better?
Surgery on Tuesday for now. Soon.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Day #5 Stims
It's only afternoon and I am so over this day.
This morning, my sperm donor was giving me another awful Lovenox shot, and I asked him if he would do this to have a baby and he said no. He said he would just give up. Oh, and this is the last time you're doing this too, as if that was a decision made by him at 8AM mid-Lovenox. Great. He doesn't give a shit, he will be a terrible dad. He isn't willing to do anything for our twins!
Then I slowed down. I am not handling issues like that today. I am only handling today's issues. I am not picking a fight with my husband about a theoretical IVF cycle that he is refusing to do. When it is time for him to do an IVF cycle, we will then address this issue LOL. It is not productive to think like this and start a fight. For today, I need to take my Lovenox shot and see the genetic counselor.
The genetic counselor was such a waste. I waited OVER AN HOUR which pissed me off because I had to cancel a meeting. I guess I was spoiled by my RE, who is always on time. When I finally got in there, it was a RN straight out of college who was giving me a 7th grade chromosome lesson. I haven't taken a science class since 2002, and I knew more than her about CCS. I was trying not to roll my eyes. Also, I really could have lived without all the pity for my sad, sad reproductive history which made me choke back tears which pissed me off even more. It must be really hard on you. Gee thanks.
Physically, I feel really uncomfortable. Now that my meetings are done, it's all yoga pants. Probably will be for at least a week. My poor stomach is covered in bruises and keeps swelling up.
This morning, my sperm donor was giving me another awful Lovenox shot, and I asked him if he would do this to have a baby and he said no. He said he would just give up. Oh, and this is the last time you're doing this too, as if that was a decision made by him at 8AM mid-Lovenox. Great. He doesn't give a shit, he will be a terrible dad. He isn't willing to do anything for our twins!
Then I slowed down. I am not handling issues like that today. I am only handling today's issues. I am not picking a fight with my husband about a theoretical IVF cycle that he is refusing to do. When it is time for him to do an IVF cycle, we will then address this issue LOL. It is not productive to think like this and start a fight. For today, I need to take my Lovenox shot and see the genetic counselor.
The genetic counselor was such a waste. I waited OVER AN HOUR which pissed me off because I had to cancel a meeting. I guess I was spoiled by my RE, who is always on time. When I finally got in there, it was a RN straight out of college who was giving me a 7th grade chromosome lesson. I haven't taken a science class since 2002, and I knew more than her about CCS. I was trying not to roll my eyes. Also, I really could have lived without all the pity for my sad, sad reproductive history which made me choke back tears which pissed me off even more. It must be really hard on you. Gee thanks.
Physically, I feel really uncomfortable. Now that my meetings are done, it's all yoga pants. Probably will be for at least a week. My poor stomach is covered in bruises and keeps swelling up.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Day #4 Stims
Good lawd, can it only be Day #4? I'm dying here. I am SO TIRED. I just hit the wall and took a nap today, I didn't get any of the work done I was supposed to.
My back hurt, and my neck was cramping up. I went to my massage guy, and it was the best massage I have ever had in my whole life. It was like all the muscles in my back had tensed up weird like I slept on my whole body wrong. It was THE BEST.
Driving, I could feel every little bump. It's been a while since I felt that. My poor ovaries are clearly doing something, and I can feel them gurgling. They're doing something to my lower back, almost like period cramps that radiate. Ugh.
My poor stomach is a Lovenox battleground. I have spotted bruises all over and hard places from all of these shots. I'm on four a day now, Lovenox, Lupron, Gonal F, and Menopur. I've stayed hydrated. No alcohol. I am a model patient.
I've gotten better at actively blocking thoughts. I am not going to beat myself up today. I am not going to worry about the next steps today. I am not thinking about the risks of twins today. I am not thinking about the cost and the fucked up insurance. I am not thinking about IVF divorces today. Most importantly, I am not beating myself up for being in this position. Not today. For today, just get through today. And if that means take a nap and get a massage, then do what you have to do, girl. The to do list will still be there.
My back hurt, and my neck was cramping up. I went to my massage guy, and it was the best massage I have ever had in my whole life. It was like all the muscles in my back had tensed up weird like I slept on my whole body wrong. It was THE BEST.
Driving, I could feel every little bump. It's been a while since I felt that. My poor ovaries are clearly doing something, and I can feel them gurgling. They're doing something to my lower back, almost like period cramps that radiate. Ugh.
My poor stomach is a Lovenox battleground. I have spotted bruises all over and hard places from all of these shots. I'm on four a day now, Lovenox, Lupron, Gonal F, and Menopur. I've stayed hydrated. No alcohol. I am a model patient.
I've gotten better at actively blocking thoughts. I am not going to beat myself up today. I am not going to worry about the next steps today. I am not thinking about the risks of twins today. I am not thinking about the cost and the fucked up insurance. I am not thinking about IVF divorces today. Most importantly, I am not beating myself up for being in this position. Not today. For today, just get through today. And if that means take a nap and get a massage, then do what you have to do, girl. The to do list will still be there.
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