Showing Some Basic Compassion for Infertiles

I just read a story where someone announced their pregnancy (not even out of the first trimester) at Thanksgiving dinner, in front of a relative that she KNEW was struggling with infertility.  Not surprisingly, that infertile woman cried in the other room for 20 minutes.  And the OMG pregnant person is being a really big person because she isn't demanding an apology from the person she humiliated because she couldn't bother to give her a heads up before this little display.  Wow, how generous.

As someone who has been on the receiving end of this, I'm so humiliated for this poor woman at Thanksgiving dinner.  It's bad enough when it's just oblivious fertiles who are all ME ME ME and have no idea what you are feeling.  But if someone with a freaking infertility blog knows you are suffering with infertility, for fuck sake, why not just give her a heads up?

I'll never forget when my smug pregnant family member announced her first trimester pregnancy not long after my awful, life-threatening surgery, that killed my baby.  Not everyone knew about the surgery.  I didn't even think this relative knew about it.  But she made a veiled, humorous reference to ME and to the surgery.  I will never forget that she made me cry in front of probably 20 family members.  I will never forget that she knew I was suffering and used it against me.  Our relationship will never be the same.

Infertiles obviously know everyone else in the family is going to get pregnant, and we are supposed to smile and send money and gush about your glow, I know.  But if you're going to announce it at dinner so that this whole holiday can be about you and your wonderful, magical pregnancy, just give me a heads up so I don't humiliate myself by crying in front of everyone again after another failed cycle.  I don't think that's too much to ask.  And I'm never going to apologize if you can't have basic compassion for me after I trusted you enough to tell you about my struggles in infertility.

Giving Up

Today is 7dp5dt.  I woke up to blood.   I mean serious blood everywhere, and I started to cry.  I sat there on the toilet and just cried.  In the country at a beautiful cottage full of wonderful food and family.  Two days after Thanksgiving.  Eventually my sperm donor woke up, and he had no idea what to do.  He just started packing the bags so we could leave.  And then he got some really, really bad news from work.  So bad they sent it on Saturday after a holiday.

I was still Googling.  Blood is no big deal.  It says so on the instructions.  It says so on the internet.  Way too early for a period anyway right?  In 20 mins it had stopped and was just some dried blood.  WTF.  Even though we were around loving family, we didn't tell them anything.  We just left.

I had one Wondfo pregnancy test left, so I took it.  Negative.  I'm not even going to buy more.  There is nothing I can do about it.  Why do I even try to convince myself I'm in some kind of control?  I do still have a stack of Wondfo ovulation kits, for all the good those did me.

Life has been punching us in the face all year.  I just thought maybe we could have some good news.  And after everything was finally going perfectly, and everything finally seemed like it was working, life reminds me that it can take it all away in a second.

I understand now why people give up on fertility treatments.  Heck fertile people act like IVF is just like ordering a really expensive pizza.  Just order another right?  There were a couple IUIs that gutted me, like curled up in a ball for a day gutted.  But most of the failures I kind of expected.  10% success rate, you know.  It wasn't the end of the world.  Just a couple scans and a catheter.  Try again.

IVF wasn't like that.  I let myself believe it would work.  And it took SO MUCH: resources, physically, emotionally, time.  I feel like an idiot for going through all of this in a process that doesn't even work that well.  What did I think 60% meant?  It meant I was flipping a coin, more or less.  I don't know if I can take any more failure.  I don't know if I can take any more bad news this year.  I mean just for this Christmas I wish I could get some good news for a change.  Just waiting for this stupid beta on Monday, I guess.

When the Bee Stings

Last night, I got stung by a freaking bee.  I haven't been stung since I was a kid.  The day before Thanksgiving at 9PM.  A freaking bee.  Inside.  At night.  God.  That's what I get for going to the country for Thanksgiving.

It started to swell up and I started wheezing.  I started Googling like a mad woman.  I didn't even have anyone to call.  I mean I have a couple nurse or doctor friends, but I wasn't about to ask them "What do I do when I get stung by a bee four days after my 5dt?"  I couldn't risk a trip to the ER.  I took two Benadryls.  Normally, I would have taken like ten with an allergic reaction, and Benadryl is safe during pregnancy, so I tried to talk myself down that it was ok.

Even if Benadryl is OK, poison obviously is not.  And then started to freak out and I was hysterically crying that what if this stupid bee messed everything up after all this.  I'm sure the fun progesterone emotions helped my stay cool and collected.  And then my breathing got shallow, and I had to go lie down to keep myself from having a full on panic attack.  After all I've been through being so cautious and making it through so many risky parts of this process, I get stung by a stupid bee.

I haven't even had any HERBAL TEA since the transfer.  I've been off painkillers, antacids, even getting my nails done or my dye job touched up.  I use fragrance free lotion, and I even changed my shampoo.   And here I am on Thanksgiving five days after transfer with a random poison affecting my breathing.  I feel fine now and the swelling is way down.  I'm not taking anymore Benadryl though.

I feel better now.  It's Thanksgiving and I have a lot to be thankful for.  Even if it fails, I have five frosties on ice.  Now I just have to cool it for a couple days.  I've decided that this is going to work, and I should test positive in the next couple days.  A negative this morning means nothing.  That Monday beta seems ages away.  Can't believe I got stung by a freaking bee.

What a Difference in One Day, 3dp5dt

Wow, this has been a whiplash day.

Last night, 2dp5dt, my cramps kicked in like I've never felt before.  It felt like my uterus being ripped out and then they started rippling through my lower back that started spasming all night and I freaked the hell out.  At 10AM when it was still excruciating, I called the nurse practically crying.

They fit me in for a scan, which showed nothing.   No fluid.  Ovaries even looked less swollen than the doctor expected.  Dildo cam didn't even feel sore.   Everything was perfect.  No signs of infection.  Take some Tylenol.  Ugh.

And then a few hours later I started to perk up.  I started to feel like a human again!  I even got the lovey, pot-smoking feeling of progesterone that all is good with the world.  I FIT INTO PANTS WITH BUTTONS!

But I still have to make it to sleep tonight.  I haven't managed to sleep a whole night on progesterone and my terrible nightmares are back.  I hate progesterone.  Here's to hoping the insomnia will fade and all will be good.

Taking it Easy

Transferred two, and now I am taking it easy.  This is surprisingly hard.  I couldn't lift the pot of all the food I made for the potluck.  I couldn't help with any of the bins of Christmas decorations or with putting up the tree or hanging the lights.  And I still can't work out, which is driving me insane.  I can't even really bend over to pick things up without squashing my tender ovaries.

Of course, I've been POAS every day after reading all these people who tested positive four, five days after their 5dt.  And then the cramping started.  Last night, 1dp5dt it felt like straight up period cramps, maybe the milder kind.  And it hasn't stopped today, 2dp5dt.  The nurse hasn't called me back, and I can't figure out if this is good and means I'm pregnant, or if something is very wrong.  The Tylenol did nothing, as usual.  I've never actually been pregnant in my uterus, so maybe that's just what it feels like?

The lab froze 1 5AA, two 4AAs, 1 4BB and 1 4BA, for five good quality blasties total.  I guess that's good, and I hope that's enough because I really don't want to go through that again.

I still can't wear pants with buttons, but I feel better than before the retrieval.  I can still kind of feel my tender ovaries, but it's getting better.  Here's to hoping for a BFP soon.

Edit:  Nurse called me back.  Cramping is normal and means nothing, even if it's really bad.  Great.  Tylenol.  Spotting is also OK, and everything is fine unless I am bleeding heavily or bloating up.  So I guess I am supposed to feel this crappy.  Great.

The Friday Before, Implanting Two or One?

Tomorrow is the big transfer date...

The doctor called to tell me that the embryos are high quality and look so good that based on my age the recommendation of the ASRM is to only transfer one.  He said they would recommend two if I were older, if they were lower quality, or if I only had two.  Hmmm.

Then, without missing a beat, he said only 5% opt for one transfer in my age range.  And it's my decision.  Nice.  He said my odds would be about 40% with one transfer, 60% with two.

I'm kind of pissed he didn't tell me this earlier.  I feel like I would have done some research on why this is the recommendation.  I mean, I get that the ASRM is probably just covering its ass after Octomom and twins are risky, I get that.  Twins are also expensive and a drain on the system, blah blah.  I hear NHS only transfers one in this situation, probably because they would rather pay for a cheap FET than twins.  (Or make the patient pay for the FET!)  Makes sense to me financially in a country with reasonable healthcare.

I'm also kind of pissed he didn't tell me more doctor advice, like how serious risks with twins really are.  Now I'm wishing I had time to go see the OB.  Ugh.  I really wish I had his opinion.  I think I might text him, I guess.

I can buy insurance to cover my twins.  I am 32 and healthy, and there's no reason I shouldn't be able to carry twins as well as anyone else.  I recognize there are risks to twins, obviously.  But my mom with the zinger.  If my grandmother, who was 4'11" (1.5m), carried twins in 1949 to almost full term, then surely I can do it.  We have a lot of natural twins in my family, and other than one miscarriage, they haven't had any problems.

Besides, I have already decided I'm going to have my twins by Christmas, and to do that, I need to implant two.

A Million Updates

Well, IVF just got real, and you know what, we might actually be able to pull this off.  All I've wanted for Christmas since 2012 was to be pregnant.

Retrieval Monday, and it was ROUGH.  I puked my guts out after like three times all over the recovery room and the heating pad.  It was humiliating.  I could feel my painful ovaries just knocking around things and into each other.  They said it would be painful because of the "manipulation" to get the eggs.  What???  They wouldn't give me any real drugs, so I took half a 7.5 Lortab, ironically from my ectopic a million years ago.  I also happened to have a really nice heating pad from that ectopic, which I swear I don't remember ordering, and it was unused.  Best thing ever!  I can't believe they didn't warn me I would need a heating pad.  Do people just have these lying around???  Half a Lortab did the trick, and then Tylenol took it down to just yucky crampy feeling of too big, raw ovaries.

Tuesday was still rough.  It hurt to sit, it hurt to stand, it hurt to lay down.  It really hurt to change from one to another.  I was at high risk for OHSS, as I expected, so I am supposed to have a high sodium, high protein diet.  I have been surviving on Gatorade, sunflower seeds, and protein shakes.  Really haven't been very hungry because I feel like crap.

Today, Thursday, I feel better.  I kind of have a waist now, so that's a good sign.  Swelling is way down.  If I sit still I feel OK.  I can't even imagine exercising or anything though.  I read someone ran four days post retrieval, and I can't even imagine that jostling.  Ouch.  I went to the grocery store, and even that walking was probably too much.

29 eggs harvested, 20 mature, 12 fertilized.  Right now, 2 are looking slow, and the rest are looking good enough to freeze/transfer!  On Saturday we are going to transfer two!
 I'm kind of in disbelief that everything is going well. It's been so long in my life that everything has gone to plan I don't even know what to do!