It's stim day #3. I am so TIRED. I have no idea how I worked out on these meds! I slept 12 hours and I still feel so tired. My lower back is hurting. That's a new one. Last time, retrieval was on Stim Day #10, so this won't be long now.
I have to meet with the genetic counselor Wednesday, and I'm still not sure why or what we will discuss as all tests have always come back normal. When I went to India, I had to go to a special travel immunization place, and they totally freaked me out about all these weird diseases that are rare and I can't do anything about. I really hope this is not like that. I am not in a good mental place right now to be freaked out about more shit I can't control.
The RE office is such a fascinating place. It's women of all shapes, sizes, colors, ages. And all totally quiet and freaked out. Going through the same journey and yet pretending like we can't see one another. I can always feel the nervous energy in the waiting room, sometimes the sadness.
Lovenox is awful. It has this giant thick needle to put in the huge amount gel. It's like injecting a jello shot through a straw. It HURTS and it bruises. I am grateful for a Lovenox side effect that seems to have counteracted the
IVF meds, diarrhea, also a new one. Last time, I couldn't #2 without
wringing out my poor ovaries and screaming in pain. I am also not really sure why I am on Lovenox. But I'll try anything, including covering my belly with giant bruises. Good thing my belly is so swollen I have plenty of fat to inject.
I need to get my IVF retrieval provisions. This time I will be better prepared. I'll have to go to Wal-Mart, the only place that stocks the good Gatorade:
sunflower seeds, buffalo ranch flavor (the best!)
Gatorade Sabores de Mi Tierra, all flavors
protein shakes, going to try some new stuff this time
Colace stool softener
prune juice
other juices
Just one day at a time for now. Just today, for today.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Stims GO! Day #1
It's Day #1 of Stims!
I cut my ridiculous workout regime. I'm not even going to yoga. All my energy is going towards the stimming. Definitely not trying boot camp on Day #3 of stims. That was a terrible idea. I can already feel my mind spinning, I might go crazy. Working out was the only productive way I had to deal with all of this stress
Lovenox gave me a crazy bruise, like worse than this one. It was really that bad. It's just so much liquid gel stuff. God, Lovenox is bad. It hurts and it hurts even more the next day. It's worse than any IVF med I've ever taken. Insurance didn't pay anything for it, and it was $143.10 out of pocket for 30 syringes.
My mind is spinning. Sperm donor told me he knows two couples with IVF twins, and they are both divorced. In fairness, one of them should have been divorced from day one, she was a total bitch. Mind spinning. Scared. Surgery. My to do list is very long and has lots of stuff I can accomplish while I need to entertain myself. But I didn't do any of it.
I sat on the couch and watched My 600-Lb Life. That show makes me feel like I got life under control, and I got my shit figured out. Turns out it was an update episode and this woman had a baby with no heartbeat and went in for a D&C, and it all came back to me. I could physically feel it on my chest. I could feel that no heartbeat. I could feel looking at the ceiling. I could hear someone's fucking baby crying next door. I could feel wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else. Of course, even she actually got her goddamn baby in this episode. It's just me who loses time and time again. I was crying again. I can't even watch ridiculous reality TV. I need to watch real housewives or something. These meds are no joke.
I need to be mindful of what I am thinking and how I am treating people. This is temporary, and it's not real. I just need to hang on, one foot in front of the other for now. Just today, just for now.
I cut my ridiculous workout regime. I'm not even going to yoga. All my energy is going towards the stimming. Definitely not trying boot camp on Day #3 of stims. That was a terrible idea. I can already feel my mind spinning, I might go crazy. Working out was the only productive way I had to deal with all of this stress
Lovenox gave me a crazy bruise, like worse than this one. It was really that bad. It's just so much liquid gel stuff. God, Lovenox is bad. It hurts and it hurts even more the next day. It's worse than any IVF med I've ever taken. Insurance didn't pay anything for it, and it was $143.10 out of pocket for 30 syringes.
My mind is spinning. Sperm donor told me he knows two couples with IVF twins, and they are both divorced. In fairness, one of them should have been divorced from day one, she was a total bitch. Mind spinning. Scared. Surgery. My to do list is very long and has lots of stuff I can accomplish while I need to entertain myself. But I didn't do any of it.
I sat on the couch and watched My 600-Lb Life. That show makes me feel like I got life under control, and I got my shit figured out. Turns out it was an update episode and this woman had a baby with no heartbeat and went in for a D&C, and it all came back to me. I could physically feel it on my chest. I could feel that no heartbeat. I could feel looking at the ceiling. I could hear someone's fucking baby crying next door. I could feel wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else. Of course, even she actually got her goddamn baby in this episode. It's just me who loses time and time again. I was crying again. I can't even watch ridiculous reality TV. I need to watch real housewives or something. These meds are no joke.
I need to be mindful of what I am thinking and how I am treating people. This is temporary, and it's not real. I just need to hang on, one foot in front of the other for now. Just today, just for now.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
The Show Must Go On - Lovenox
The show must go on, and today was my suppression check with dildo cam.
1. Do I get any decent drugs because this is a freeze all? You can tell I
have priorities. No answer on this one yet. I know what the result
will be, no matter what his answer.
2. Should we do the transfer in Denver? No. They only ship the biopsies, and never ship the embryos. SO COOL.
3. What's up with lupus test that is still positive and like three others? I am now on Lovenox. Uh. OK.
So I picked up a ton of Lovenox. I guess I get to be on this when/if I get pregnant too. Yay. Insurance didn't pay. Maybe I'm under the deductible. Maybe they don't cover it? No idea. It was $143.10 for 30 pre-filled syringes. It's showing as over $300 on Walmart for 30? Maybe insurance did pay something? No idea.
I opened it up and it is made in Milan. Ooh. How glamorous. So I had visions of sitting in the piazza smartly dressed eating some delicious bread, olive oil, pulpo. And then I saw the shot. Whoa. That's a lot of weird gel stuff. Oh god. Right when I said I wasn't scared of needles and these shots wouldn't be a big deal. Then I have to inject a shot glass worth of jello shot into my love handles.
And the blogs agreed. Lovenox will be painful and bruisy and yuck. Good news is, all three blogs I found with tips on Lovenox are now mothers! So that's something. Just think of Milan, right?
1. Do I get any decent drugs because this is a freeze all? You can tell I
have priorities. No answer on this one yet. I know what the result
will be, no matter what his answer.2. Should we do the transfer in Denver? No. They only ship the biopsies, and never ship the embryos. SO COOL.
3. What's up with lupus test that is still positive and like three others? I am now on Lovenox. Uh. OK.
So I picked up a ton of Lovenox. I guess I get to be on this when/if I get pregnant too. Yay. Insurance didn't pay. Maybe I'm under the deductible. Maybe they don't cover it? No idea. It was $143.10 for 30 pre-filled syringes. It's showing as over $300 on Walmart for 30? Maybe insurance did pay something? No idea.
I opened it up and it is made in Milan. Ooh. How glamorous. So I had visions of sitting in the piazza smartly dressed eating some delicious bread, olive oil, pulpo. And then I saw the shot. Whoa. That's a lot of weird gel stuff. Oh god. Right when I said I wasn't scared of needles and these shots wouldn't be a big deal. Then I have to inject a shot glass worth of jello shot into my love handles.
And the blogs agreed. Lovenox will be painful and bruisy and yuck. Good news is, all three blogs I found with tips on Lovenox are now mothers! So that's something. Just think of Milan, right?
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
FML Insurance
I figured out why my meds weren't covered. Nothing was covered. Today, yes today, the insurance company made a final rejection of my IVF claim.
Turns out my policy both covers and excludes IVF. AWESOME. Seriously. FML. Why have a billion hoops and shit if IVF is never covered? And it says IVF is covered on healthcare.gov!!! I guess I just got a new hobby, the insurance company. Now, I get to learn all about insurance appeals. And I'm pissed now, so I pity anyone who is my new hobby.
It took about an hour to even figure out it was rejected. I called back SEVEN TIMES until I got a good CS rep, Deandre. Deandre is my man. He actually figured out what was going on, understood what I was saying, and told me how to appeal it. So, thanks Deandre. You helped my day.
Don't get it twisted, it still sucked.
My sperm donor busted in my office to tell me something. I was on hold, tears down my face. I had my hair pulled up, mascara running. I put Deandre on mute. I told my sperm donor to leave me alone I could hardly speak. Meanwhile, my sperm donor was on some big call, got an awesome new client. Best news he's had in a couple years.
I told him my terrible news, and he didn't skip a beat. It's just money. Now, let's talk about my new client! It's just money.
Turns out my policy both covers and excludes IVF. AWESOME. Seriously. FML. Why have a billion hoops and shit if IVF is never covered? And it says IVF is covered on healthcare.gov!!! I guess I just got a new hobby, the insurance company. Now, I get to learn all about insurance appeals. And I'm pissed now, so I pity anyone who is my new hobby.
It took about an hour to even figure out it was rejected. I called back SEVEN TIMES until I got a good CS rep, Deandre. Deandre is my man. He actually figured out what was going on, understood what I was saying, and told me how to appeal it. So, thanks Deandre. You helped my day.
Don't get it twisted, it still sucked.
My sperm donor busted in my office to tell me something. I was on hold, tears down my face. I had my hair pulled up, mascara running. I put Deandre on mute. I told my sperm donor to leave me alone I could hardly speak. Meanwhile, my sperm donor was on some big call, got an awesome new client. Best news he's had in a couple years.
I told him my terrible news, and he didn't skip a beat. It's just money. Now, let's talk about my new client! It's just money.
Feeling Good on Lupron
Today I woke up earlier than my sperm donor again. I read the news of some celebrity having a baby via surrogate, and I started thinking we might have to do that. The five babies in the freezer. Is it even ethical to pay a woman to use her uterus like that? And I found myself googling how much a surrogate costs and thinking of how we are going to pay for that and crying. WHA. Slow down. Ain't nobody got time for that! I had to get to early pilates!
Working out is the only thing that kept me sane last cycle, and it's the only thing keeping me sane this cycle. Either Lupron really is an awesome doping drug, or I really have a lot of stress to burn because I have kicked ass and taken names in spin class, pilates, barre, even my weakest suit, yoga. I'm terrible at yoga! I really got my money's worth from my Classpass subscription. I have been working out as much as I possibly can.
Downside is all exercise must stop with stims in a few days, learned that one the hard way last time. I have a couple chill yoga classes planed the first couple days of stims, but I am not going to push that at all. All energy during stims must go into stimming!
It's clear that I am not in a place emotionally to do a fresh transfer, and we need the genetic shit anyway, so this will be a freeze all to genetically test the babies in Denver. I am kind of relieved and glad that I get to maybe have a more "normal" experience without all the stim nonsense combined with pregnancy. And hopefully I get some good drugs so retrieval isn't as painful and maybe I can recover faster? I guess we will see.
Freedom Fertility and my insurance aren't playing nicely, so I have to work that out. I knew it was a question of time until the insurance was too good to be true. But for today, I feel AWESOME.
Working out is the only thing that kept me sane last cycle, and it's the only thing keeping me sane this cycle. Either Lupron really is an awesome doping drug, or I really have a lot of stress to burn because I have kicked ass and taken names in spin class, pilates, barre, even my weakest suit, yoga. I'm terrible at yoga! I really got my money's worth from my Classpass subscription. I have been working out as much as I possibly can.
Downside is all exercise must stop with stims in a few days, learned that one the hard way last time. I have a couple chill yoga classes planed the first couple days of stims, but I am not going to push that at all. All energy during stims must go into stimming!
It's clear that I am not in a place emotionally to do a fresh transfer, and we need the genetic shit anyway, so this will be a freeze all to genetically test the babies in Denver. I am kind of relieved and glad that I get to maybe have a more "normal" experience without all the stim nonsense combined with pregnancy. And hopefully I get some good drugs so retrieval isn't as painful and maybe I can recover faster? I guess we will see.
Freedom Fertility and my insurance aren't playing nicely, so I have to work that out. I knew it was a question of time until the insurance was too good to be true. But for today, I feel AWESOME.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Wildly Swinging on Lupron
I've been on Lupron a little over a week, and uh, I don't remember it feeling like this.
Yesterday, I woke up earlier than my sperm donor and I was achy and in pain and he was still asleep. My thoughts went like this. God, it hurts, and he is so lazy and always sleeping. And he hasn't even asked if I'm in pain. I always have to do everything, I gave myself all my shots this round. I'm in this all alone, and I'm always bearing the brunt of everything. I'm going to have to do everything for this baby WTF am I thinking? My friend is pregnant, everyone has already had their babies, and it's too late for me. Why did I wait so long? I'm about to be 33 and we've been at this since we were 29. I am so pathetic, and he is just sleeping. And I started sobbing. Like shaking crying and wailing because I was so angry or something. Uh. Yea. Luckily he is a sound sleeper.
That is why I need to be so mindful of my thoughts on these drugs. IT'S A TRICK. It's not real. Just one day at a time. My poor hard working sperm donor who can't sleep in a day on his vacation LOL. And he's been through a lot this year, so has our marriage. It's just been a lot. I need to be very mindful of my thoughts. Just get through today. Don't beat yourself up, not while on these drugs.
I went to an extremely difficult spin class this morning. Lupron is a doping drug, remember. I NAILED IT. Wow. Maybe it's all that frustration, or maybe not working out for three days on vacation, but that was awesome and suddenly I feel better. I feel like I could work out again today, even. I feel awesome! Maybe that's what I got right last time, I kept up my workout schedule until stims.
So I packed my schedule with workouts until stims. Me and Lupron can at least try to get something accomplished if it is going to make me crazy.
Yesterday, I woke up earlier than my sperm donor and I was achy and in pain and he was still asleep. My thoughts went like this. God, it hurts, and he is so lazy and always sleeping. And he hasn't even asked if I'm in pain. I always have to do everything, I gave myself all my shots this round. I'm in this all alone, and I'm always bearing the brunt of everything. I'm going to have to do everything for this baby WTF am I thinking? My friend is pregnant, everyone has already had their babies, and it's too late for me. Why did I wait so long? I'm about to be 33 and we've been at this since we were 29. I am so pathetic, and he is just sleeping. And I started sobbing. Like shaking crying and wailing because I was so angry or something. Uh. Yea. Luckily he is a sound sleeper.
That is why I need to be so mindful of my thoughts on these drugs. IT'S A TRICK. It's not real. Just one day at a time. My poor hard working sperm donor who can't sleep in a day on his vacation LOL. And he's been through a lot this year, so has our marriage. It's just been a lot. I need to be very mindful of my thoughts. Just get through today. Don't beat yourself up, not while on these drugs.
I went to an extremely difficult spin class this morning. Lupron is a doping drug, remember. I NAILED IT. Wow. Maybe it's all that frustration, or maybe not working out for three days on vacation, but that was awesome and suddenly I feel better. I feel like I could work out again today, even. I feel awesome! Maybe that's what I got right last time, I kept up my workout schedule until stims.
So I packed my schedule with workouts until stims. Me and Lupron can at least try to get something accomplished if it is going to make me crazy.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Feeling Weird On Lupron
I've been on Lupron almost a week now, and I'm feeling it. I still don't have the headaches 75 - 100% people get, so I'll take it. What I do have this time is this all over achy muscle feeling. One blogger said she felt like a hungover sloth. I feel like I have the flu, like all over aches and no ability to control the temperature of my body. My back aches, my wrist aches, it hurts. My hips hurt. Last time I went on an emergency run to a nail salon massage chair LOL. I have no idea how people are on this drugs for months and months.
Oh and the naps. I'm not a napper normally, but the general fatigue never goes away. Naps on Lupron naps are delightful and refreshing.
I've been cleared to exercise and Lupron is a doping drug, but I'm still traveling so I haven't made that work yet. I am trying that tomorrow. We will see how that goes. Maybe I'll have to abort that too.
The biggest change this cycle is what it is doing to my thoughts. I think a lot of this is the much crappier position I am in this round. Last round, I was going to be pregnant in a month or so, this is it. It was new and exciting! This round all the embryos are going to Denver. I have already convinced myself it won't work, and if it does I'm just queuing up another miscarriage.
I find my thoughts going to very dark places. I met up with a friend who wasn't drinking and is obviously pregnant. She didn't want to tell me but I'm infertile not stupid. Maybe she was worried my dead baby juju would rub off on her. Maybe the whole thing is just too pathetic to even talk about. People stopped telling me about their friend who got ivf twins on the first try, and I don't believe those stories anyway anymore. And if this round doesn't work, what's the point anyway? My life is all failure and suffering and I can't take anymore of this. Everyone is pregnant everyone's life has gone on, it's just me who is still here three years later.
And that is why I need to be very mindful of my thoughts and my thought process on this drug. I can tell it is trying to take me somewhere very dark, and I need to think about my thought patterns and my judgment. I can't say I replaced those thoughts with positive ones, just practical ones. Get the dog groomed. Get the dry cleaning. For the next few weeks, just one foot in front of the other. Just today. That's all I can handle right now.
Oh and the naps. I'm not a napper normally, but the general fatigue never goes away. Naps on Lupron naps are delightful and refreshing.
I've been cleared to exercise and Lupron is a doping drug, but I'm still traveling so I haven't made that work yet. I am trying that tomorrow. We will see how that goes. Maybe I'll have to abort that too.
The biggest change this cycle is what it is doing to my thoughts. I think a lot of this is the much crappier position I am in this round. Last round, I was going to be pregnant in a month or so, this is it. It was new and exciting! This round all the embryos are going to Denver. I have already convinced myself it won't work, and if it does I'm just queuing up another miscarriage.
I find my thoughts going to very dark places. I met up with a friend who wasn't drinking and is obviously pregnant. She didn't want to tell me but I'm infertile not stupid. Maybe she was worried my dead baby juju would rub off on her. Maybe the whole thing is just too pathetic to even talk about. People stopped telling me about their friend who got ivf twins on the first try, and I don't believe those stories anyway anymore. And if this round doesn't work, what's the point anyway? My life is all failure and suffering and I can't take anymore of this. Everyone is pregnant everyone's life has gone on, it's just me who is still here three years later.
And that is why I need to be very mindful of my thoughts and my thought process on this drug. I can tell it is trying to take me somewhere very dark, and I need to think about my thought patterns and my judgment. I can't say I replaced those thoughts with positive ones, just practical ones. Get the dog groomed. Get the dry cleaning. For the next few weeks, just one foot in front of the other. Just today. That's all I can handle right now.
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