Resignation

I haven't even cried for what is probably another failed pregnancy.  I think maybe I have finally accepted that I have no control over this and that this is just how it goes for me.  I have resigned myself to my fate.

I went to the dog park and googled furiously on my phone for over an hour.  Someone tried to talk to me and I didn't even acknowledge them.  My dog would not leave my side, even at the dog park.  She stayed in front of me, even seemed to be putting herself in front of me when dogs would approach.  She refused to play with the dogs.

My HCG/timing/ultrasound make zero sense.  The HCG is WAY too high and yet there is no fetal pole and no yolk sac.  This would put me in the 1% of pregnancies (done that before with the ectopic!)  I guess it's possible this can still work.  It's possible the ultrasound tech is a moron.  It's possible the blood test was wrong.  It's possible the ultrasound was broken.  It's possible this is (another) 1% baby.  There's nothing I can do until the scan next week.

 I don't feel hope anymore.  I feel the darkness coming back that tells me this will never work, and that I was never meant to be a mom anyway.  And now I have stood up the adoption lady in my naive excitement -- you would really think an infertility veteran like me would know better.  Maybe I can't even try for a CPS kid now.