Mothers and Mothers-In-Law

After going through the ringer for the last year or so, the person who has really stood out is my MIL.  She's the only one, actually.

My mom is too intense.  She has too much vested in this, she wants to talk about all the measurements and the rates and the numbers.  She needs this to work more than I do.  She wants to say how brave I am and all that.  And then she tells everyone in the whole fucking family.

We share an accountant, who had an IVF miracle baby way after 40 a couple years ago.  She told MY ACCOUNTANT that I am doing IVF, which (1) is none of her fucking business and (2) isn't even true yet!!!  It's just too much.  After that nonsense with the accountant, I told my mom that I wouldn't be telling her anymore specifics, and that I expected her to share her own constant health battles with other people, not mine.  Now that my dad has cancer, she is probably set.

But my MIL has been a rock.  After this last IUI, she just texted me "How are you feeling?"  And she meant it.  She cares, I can talk to her.  If she didn't have such a busy schedule or lived closer, I might take her to one of the appointments.  She gets it.  This weekend, during the 2WW, we drove way, way out to stay with them a weekend.  Because she gets it.

Progesterone

This is my first cycle on progesterone.  Vaginal suppositories.  Like pills with a tampon applicator.  I know, gross.  But I'll take it over more shots.  Bad part is, what goes in, must come out, and this is a gross leaky mess.  But I can live with that as well for a couple weeks.  Infertility already killed my sex life.

The very best part is this is the first fertility drug that hasn't made me CRAZY.  Like my hellish nightmares and panic on Clomid, or crying practically all the time on all these drugs.  Add in some work drama, and my dad having cancer, and life, and these drugs have not been ideal in timing.

When I Googled progesterone, some people said it was a natural anti-anxiety drug, or a natural anti-depressent.  Huh.  Isn't that neat?  So just when stress is at its worst, I think these drugs finally helped me feel better, and I'm very pleased with that.  I do feel calmer.  That "one with the universe" feeling I had when I was so briefly pregnant.  Of course, I'll never have that innocent happiness with pregnancy again, but I'll take this mother earth feeling for a couple weeks.  It's not bad.

Cost: Gonal F IUI Cycle

SCARY NUMBER POST.  I can't even say how grateful I am for my insurance.  It's COBRA, and I have gladly forked over $2,200/month for two of us in an IVF-coverage mandated state.  After my ectopic and subsequent disfiguring surgery, I lost a tube.  Thus, my insurance covers IVF after 6 "assisted" cycles, plus 4 IUIs, with a lifetime limit of $20,000.  Hooray!  I know, I am so lucky and so grateful.

But I'm scared when I lose this insurance in December.  And I'm scared that when I come back I'll have to pay this out of pocket.  So, let's look at this fun IUI cycle of expensive drugs and scans:



Each scan (there were three) was billed at $195.  Insurance paid $51.97 and I paid $15.  So, that's about $200 for three scans, way cheaper than I thought.

Blood work (twice) was billed at $180, insurance paid $75, I paid nothing.  That's $150.  Not so bad...

Office visit (one) was $208.23.  Insurance paid $84.59, I paid $15.  About $100.

For the IUI, washing sperm was billed at $190, insurance paid $110.20.

The IUI was billed at $190, and insurance paid $100 (WHOA!).  There was also a $30 Saturday fee I had to pay, plus $15, so $145.

The injectable Gonal F (I got one 300 pen and one 450) plus Ovidrel was $20, $20, $35 from me, insurance paid $808.89, $532.6, and $80.05.  That's $1496 total.  Holy crap.

The Femara would be about $100 without insurance, and the Endometrin would be about $6/day without insurance, so let's say $84.

That's $555 for the office visit scans, IUI and blood work, which sounds low?  The drugs would be $1680.   That's $2,235.20 for this one IUI cycle.

Gonal F and Femara

I'm now in the 2WW of my first injectible cycle.  150 Femara CD3-8, 100cc Gonal F CD8-trigger shot.  Other than the cost (it's over $100/100ccs!) and the sketchiness of the injections, and the extra scans (UGH), this doesn't feel much different.  Hell, I feel better on Gonal F than I did on Clomid.

My ovary with the working tube cooperated, and the IUI went well.  We had record numbers on all sides, with Donor Husband at 50M after wash.  I have a feeling for the first time in a long time that maybe this will work.  I guess this is called hope.

Job Troubles

My husband, I'll call him Donor Husband, had a serious work problem this week.  As in lawyers, bills, big, big problems.  I'm not sure what will happen, but things will never be the same.

He moped and cried and wouldn't talk.  He's really down.  And I was thinking that he was more upset about this than when our baby died and they ripped out a fallopian tube with it.  He was more upset about his stupid job than our baby.  He can get another job.  I'll never get that baby back, and I'll never get my body back.

Between this and my dad having cancer, it has been a really shitty month.  When I was crying on the phone with my mom, she said that this will obviously be the month I get pregnant, when I'm under so much stress and am in no position to handle it.

Cancer

My dad has cancer.  Of course, the timing is just great.  His surgery was during one of my (million) scans.  I am sure the stress of everything will screw up my first injectibles cycle (yay).  But what else can you do but keep trucking on?

Is This Your First Time?

The same ultrasound technician has shoved a giant camera up my hooha 12 times now.  Twelve times, she's said you'll feel my fingers and then BAM.  She's fast, and she's good.  Don't get me wrong, I have no quarrel with her work.  Today, she was chatting with the lady in front of me.  "Miha, this time it will work."  She patted her on the shoulder.

For me it was "Is this your first scan?"  She asks me this almost every time.  It's not.  It never will be.  It certainly won't be every other time you ask.  I'd rather her ask me "How are you doing?" or "Nice day, right?"  I don't need her to call me miha or actually know my name, but it would be nice to feel like a person.